Who Says Konoha is Peaceful?
by ShadowSpirit2
Summary: Naruto and Sasuke find and read Sakura's diary. Sakura wonders why they are now acting weird around her, and she comes up with a bizarre conclusion, which she shares with everybody. Can the guys save their reputations without suffering her wrath?
1. Naruto is a meddler

Well, I know I really have no right to start a new story after I went on about how I'd have no time to update my other one, but this plot has been circling my head for weeks now and if I don't get it out, I'll explode! So, um, just forgive me and enjoy, okay!

Okay, in this story, Naruto and company are like 15-16. There will be probably be spoilers. Sasuke is still part of the village, so it'll be very slightly AU. I'm only at episode 143 and manga chapter 130-ish, so I don't know enough about Naruto's future to try and stay true to the storyline. Soo...please forgive anything that contradicts/is untrue to the original storyline, kay?

**More In-Depth Summary:** Naruto finds Sakura's diary and he and Sasuke, being guys, decide to read it. Sakura wonders why they are now all jumpy and twitchy around her, and comes up with the BRILLIANT idea that they are...gay. Together. She wastes no time in sharing her conclusion with all who are willing to listen (aka EVERYBODY!).

Meanwhile, Naruto is trying to get Sasuke to help him make Sakura fall in love with him (Naruto), but this new gossip kinda impedes their process. Now, Sasuke is trying to clear his name of this blasphemy as Naruto decides to do everything in his power to dent Sasuke's reputation while keeping his own dignity as intact as possible.

And then Gaara shows up (on "official Kazekage business") and is inadvertently dragged into the whole mess. Chaos ensues.

Read and Review no Jutsu!

* * *

**Who Says Konoha is Peaceful?**

**Chapter One: Naruto is a meddler**

* * *

It was a beautiful, bright afternoon. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and Naruto was swearing up, down, and sideways. Kakashi and Team 7 had spent the past four hours on a ridiculously lame but insanely difficult D-ranked mission armed with only nets and an intense hatred for the guy who put them up to it.

"SHIT! When I see that damn kid again, I am gonna beat his ass so badly, he won't be able to crap for a month! I mean, DAMN! This is ridiculous! Kakashi-sensei, why are we on this lame-ass mission?!" Naruto complained loudly, wiping smelly lake water out of his eyes.

Kakashi sighed wearily. "Well, he _is_ paying us good money to do this...And it _is_ our duty..."

Sasuke pulled a chunk of seaweed out of his hair. "This is so stupid, I'm not even embarrassed to admit that I agree with the dobe." He angrily threw the weeds at a log. "This is retarded."

Four hours ago, the teenage son of a rich landowner had put in for some ninjas to help him out with something. He said he had lost a rare, award-winning goldfish in one of Konoha's lakes. (Actually, the "lake" was more like a swamp...) And yes, there was a large monetary reward for bringing "Splashy" back to his owner.

Ever since then, Team 7 and Kakashi have been swimming around in the opaque, leech-ridden mosquito nest searching for that damn fish.

"I am so gonna kick his ass..." Naruto grumbled before diving back under. His pink-haired comrade nodded.

_I"LL HELP!_ screamed Inner Sakura. _TCHA!_

_Two unsuccessful hours later..._

"Hey guys!" called a way-too-cheery voice. The four ninjas looked up to see their client on the bank. He was holding a bag with a brand-new fish in it. "My mom said that Splashy died a week ago and she only told me he escaped so I wouldn't cry. Sorry to put you guys through any trouble!"

Four blank, gaping faces ogled at him.

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU!" Naruto screeched, lunging at the boy. Kakashi grabbed him.

"Now, now, Naruto, it was an honest mistake..." Kakashi said calmly, although inside he kinda wanted to help Naruto dismember the boy. And technically it wasn't even honest, seeing as the kid's mom lied.

"Thanks for understanding!" the boy chirped and made off down the road.

Naruto chucked his net at the kid's head but missed.

The four ninja trudged out of the muck, cursing and using their kunai to remove various leeches from their bodies. Sasuke grumbled darkly as he sliced a couple off his legs. They vaguely reminded him of fangirls.

A few minutes later, they had collected their belongings and dried off. Well, mostly. Naruto hid Sasuke's towel, so naturally there was an exchange of fists, but that was all sorted out eventually (and in a rather uncivilized manner). Kakashi and Sakura decided not to wait for them and started back without them. Sasuke vaguely wondered why Sakura didn't wait for him as was usual, but he couldn't say that he minded.

By the time Naruto and Sasuke started home, the aforementioned two were way ahead. It was then Naruto found it.

Sakura's diary.

It was lying innocently on the side of the road, a tiny pink thing with sparkly hearts on the cover.

_It must have fallen out of her backpack,_ Naruto thought to himself. He stopped to pick it up.

"Should I? Shouldn't I?" Naruto wondered out loud, an evil grin on his face.

Of course, temptation is sweet, so Naruto plopped himself down next to a tree and started to read...

Sasuke noticed Naruto was no longer behind him, so he doubled back to find the blond sniggering under a tree. Sasuke noticed the pink book and girly handwriting right away, and was instantly curious.

"What's up, dobe?" he asked nonchalantly,

Naruto snapped the book shut and hid it under his arm. He smirked up at his teammate. "Do you wanna know what I found?" he asked eagerly.

Sasuke did, but after Naruto said that of course he couldn't admit it.

"No." Sasuke looked off to the side. "I couldn't care less," he lied.

Naruto grumbled. "Not even a little?"

"Nope."

"Then why did you come back?"

Sasuke thought fast and smirked. "It's getting dark. Can't go leaving an idiot like you to fend for himself, you might get eaten by wolves."

Naruto glared. "Well fine. I wasn't gonna tell you anyway. I can take care of myself, so go away."

"Fine. I will." Sasuke hopped to a different tree and disappeared.

Naruto scowled and opened the diary again. But when he noticed a presence a few seconds later, he whirled around to find Sasuke above him and trying to read over his shoulder.

"AH-HAH!" Naruto cried triumphantly, whipping the book away. "I KNEW IT! YOU WANT TO KNOW!"

Sasuke _hmph_'d and looked sideways again. "So what if I do?"

Naruto gave a sly smile. "Well, you could ask me..."

Black eyes rolled in exasperation. "Fine. What're you reading?"

Naruto's sly smile widened.

"Sakura's diary."

* * *

"AUGH!" Sakura screamed in distress. "I CAN'T FIND IT ANYWHERE!"

"What're you looking for?" Ino asked, watching as her friend tore apart her room.

"My diary! It's GONE!" Sakura shrieked. "If anyone finds out what I've wrote in there, I'll be RUINED!"

Ino slid off Sakura's bed as the pink-haired girl started to rip through the sheets. "Oh please. I bet all you do in that silly thing is gush about Sasuke. I bet you even recorded every dream you've had of him since the academy days."

"Oh, come on! I'm not THAT shallow. Sasuke isn't the ONLY thing I think about," Sakura grumped. "Besides, I've only had that diary for a few months; my old one got ruined when it went through the wash."

Ino wrinkled her nose. "Speaking of wash, you need one. You smell horrible! What on _earth_ did you _do_ today?"

* * *

"Oh," Sasuke said. He seemed disappointed. "That's it?"

Naruto gaped at him. "What d'ya mean, 'That's it?'? This is a DIARY! Girls write their deepest, most intimate secret thoughts in them! You don't think that's interesting?"

Sasuke shrugged. "Not if it's Sakura's. I bet all she does is gush about me."

Naruto looked back down at the diary. "Actually, I've read two pages and she doesn't even _mention_ you."

Sasuke's ears perked.

"Buuuut if you aren't interested, then beat it. I'm trying to read," Naruto flipped it open and refound his page. Which shouldn't have been too difficult, seeing as he'd only read two of them.

Suddenly, Sasuke was sitting on the ground next to him. Naruto raised an eyebrow at him.

"I've never read a girl's diary before," Sasuke said, looking wide-eyed at the pink book. Then he smirked. "And I am not letting you have all the fun, dobe."

Naruto grinned back. "That's what I thought."

* * *

A short, sweet first chapter. Anybody like? Shall I continue? I know it was kinda slow, but it'll really pick up soon. I promise! 


	2. Sasuke learns something about girls

Wow! Thanks for the support you guys! Hope you continue to enjoy!

I'm not sure if I want to have any serious pairings. I was just gonna do this all for humor, but now I'm getting ideas. What do you guys think?

Read and Review no Jutsu!

* * *

**Who Says Konoha is Peaceful?**

**Chapter Two: Sasuke learns something about girls**

* * *

"Start from the beginning, dobe."

"Why? I already read that part."

"But_ I_ didn't."

"So?"

"SO...I want to read it."

Naruto made no effort to go back. "So? There's nothing interesting on the first pages. You won't miss anything."

"Then why were you laughing?" Sasuke grabbed at the diary. "Gimme that!"

Naruto held it off to the side, out of Sasuke's reach. "No way!"

Sasuke suddenly pointed. "LOOK! Ramen!"

"Where!" When Naruto turned to look, Sasuke lunged and plucked the pink book out of the blond's hands.

"Idiot," he said with a smirk.

"HEY!" Naruto squawked. He tried to grab it back but failed miserably. He crossed his arms and pouted.

"HEY!" Sasuke suddenly exclaimed. "You said she didn't mention me at all. She didn't mention _anything_! She just wrote out part of a medicine jutsu here!"

Naruto smirked. "Toldja you weren't missing out."

Sasuke glared at him. "Then what were you laughing at?"

"Oh, just knowing that I was holding the diary in my hands made me happy," Naruto shrugged.

Sasuke _hmph'_d and turned the page. A few seconds later: "You liar, my name's in here like five times!"

Naruto leaned over to scan the page. "Sasuke, she's talking about how funny it is that the word 'uke' is part of your name, and maybe that's why you never seem to go out with girls."

Sasuke gaped at him, then back at the diary, speechless.

Naruto stared at him. "What? You mean you didn't even read the paragraph, you were just looking for your name! GEEZ! You ego-manic!"

"Hmph," Sasuke grumped. Naruto rolled his eyes. Sasuke read the passage more in-depth-ly.

_Dear Diary,_

_Well, I was over Hinata's complaining about how I try and try but Sasuke-kun just never seems to notice me. She made the comment that he never really looks at girls. Then Neji stuck his head in the room and said, "Maybe Sasuke...you know...doesn't like girls. After all, 'uke' is in his name..."_

_Oh, I can barely talk about it! It was so embarrassing! See, I tried to attack him and then Hinata tried to hold me back and then I knocked the kitchen table over and it broke..._

_Neji-baka is a jerk-face. Hmm...but now I'm curious. I mean, the "uke" is in his name, see? Sas-UKE. Weird. Sighh... He is just so beautiful... But kinda scrawny. I mean, even NARUTO has a better 6-pack. Okay, well I'm gonna go eat now! I'm going to the barbecue place with Ino. Ja!_

"WHAT?" Sasuke exclaimed in disbelief. "_Sakura_ dissed me? Sakura dissed _me_??

Naruto started laughing. "The lady hath spoken! I win! You suck!"

Sasuke whapped the blond over the head with the diary and scowled darkly. He made a mental note to kill Neji for the uke comment. _I would _so_ be seme..._ Sasuke thought. _If I was gay. Which I'm not. I bet Itachi is gay. Oooh I'm gonna kill him! I'll drive a stake right through that bastard's heart! Mwahahahahah..._

Naruto raised an eyebrow at Sasuke, who was laughing evilly under his breath. What a weirdo, he thought.

Sasuke stopped cackling when he saw the weird look Naruto was giving him. He coughed. "Well! I wonder what else she wrote in here."

Sasuke turned the page. Naruto scooted closer so he could read too.

_Dear Diary, how are you?_

_I was over Hinata's again. It's been awkward ever since the table incident, but talking about Sasuke with Ino is just not possible (She gets too weird!). She mentioned how curious it was that after Tenten got over her crush on Neji and stopped fawning over him, he suddenly started to show interest in her. Weird, huh? Maybe I should try that. I mean, not with Neji, of course._

_OKAY! Starting tomorrow, I will no longer fawn over Sasuke-kun! It'll be hard, but nothing else has worked yet, so hey! Sighh... He is so beautiful... (There was a poor drawing of Sasuke in Lee's "Nice Guy" pose here. Shirtless.) He could use a tan, though.  
Sighh... This is gonna be hard, but I'll stick to it!_

_Oh, and did I mention! It was like a miracle! KAKASHI WASN'T LATE TODAY! But I think that was just because he told us the wrong meeting point and just so happened to be walking through... BUT STILL! Well, I'm going to bed now. We have practice early tomorrow. Ja! _

Sasuke looked up from the diary. _Ah, so _that's_ why she hasn't been waiting for me,_ Sasuke thought. _I thought something weird was going on! HAH, but now I know her secret! And it won't work on me!_

Meanwhile, Naruto was making a mental note to try the not-fawning-over-so-they-fall-for-you trick with Sakura himself.

Sasuke went to turn the page. "WAIT!" Naruto yelled.

Sasuke looked at him. "What is it, dobe?"

"…I'm not done yet!"

"...So, you're a slow reader, huh?" Sasuke said with a smirk. "Well, I don't feel like waiting for you!"

"Hey, I know how we can finish at the same time!" Naruto exclaimed. Sasuke raised an eyebrow and Naruto took the cue to continue. "You can read it to me!"

"...Are you joking? Why the hell would _I_ read to _you_??" Sasuke demanded.

Naruto folded his arms, looking smug. "Well, I'd read out loud but I'm _too slow_. And if nobody reads out loud, then you'll have to keep waiting for me to catch up. And the longer we take to read this, the more likely it is that someone will find us and rat us out. And then Sakura-chan would kill us!"

Sasuke glared at his blond friend. "That's ridiculous. I am not reading to you."

"DO YOU WANT SAKURA-CHAN TO KILL US!" Naruto yelled dramatically, complete with waving arms for emphasis.

"_Alright_! Alright, fine!" Sasuke slapped his forehead. "Just because I want you to shut up."

Naruto hid a triumphant grin. _See? If they don't listen, yell louder until they do! Heheh..._ Naruto leaned back against the tree.

Sasuke sighed deeply before turning the page and reading the next entry, completely in monotone.

_"Dear Diary, how was your day?_ ("Wow, she asked her diary how its day was?" Sasuke asked incredulously. Naruto scowled. "Oh shut up and just read the damn thing," he replied.)

_"Acting indifferent towards Sasuke-kun is way harder than I thought! But I'm hanging in there! Ino actually asked me if I was sick!_

_"In other news, Lee asked me to go out with him AGAIN. I'm sorry, but until he shaves those eyebrows down a little and throws away the green spandex, I am not going ANYWHERE with him. Although I must admit that spandex really does show off the muscles... But green! Maybe he should invest in black instead._ (Sasuke gagged here.)

_"On the other hand... If I go out with Lee, then that would enforce the image of me being over Sasuke-kun! Then he'll fall in love with me! (_Sasuke REALLY started gagging here._) But I couldn't do that to poor Lee. Hm... Maybe Naruto...?_ (Naruto: "HEY!") _Nah, I'm just too nice!_

_"On a completely unrelated (but not really) note, I had another dream about Sasuke-kun. See, I was in my room studying a new medicine jutsu when he came in through my window. I said, "Sasuke-kun, is that you?" and he said, "Of course, who else?" He came over and sat on my desk. It was then that I noticed he was wearing this really tight black leather. It was so hot! Well, then he started to twirl something shiny in his fingers and I realized he had HANDCUFFS! Then he leaned in really close and whispered "I've been wanting this for a long-"_

The words died on Sasuke's tongue. His mouth fell open and he gaped, face red. His eyes wandered across the rest of the page; he opened and closed his mouth a few times but no words came out. He turned to Naruto, whose expression mirrored his own. "...D...do you still want me to read this to you?"

Naruto violently shook his head. "Nononononononooo..."

Sasuke slumped backwards against the tree and exhaled deeply. "Whoa..."

Naruto was twitching. "I feel so...unclean." He shuddered.

Sasuke stared at the diary. "I had no idea girls had dreams like that. I thought only guys had...erm...impure dreams..." he muttered, dazed.

Naruto stared at him. "Wait, you've had dirty dreams before? Wow, you're such a perv!"

Sasuke's mouth fell open again. He was suddenly VERY embarrassed. "Wha...y-you... I mean...uh...I don't...uh...wait..."

All of a sudden, Naruto laughed and slapped his friend on the back. "Aw, I'm just messing with ya! Everybody has dreams like that!"

Sasuke's eyes narrowed. He opened his mouth to yell at the blond...then realized that he couldn't really say anything without embarrassing himself further. So Sasuke just shut the diary. "Hn. I think that's enough for one night. It's getting really dark."

To his surprise, Naruto nodded. He plucked Sakura's diary from Sasuke's hands and looked at it. "Yeah, as it is I'm gonna be spending like four hours trying to scrub those images from my brain!" Naruto made an _I-think-I'll-gonna-puke_ face.

Sasuke sighed and honestly couldn't argue. "Let's get going then." He went to take the diary from Naruto.

Naruto snatched it away. "Nu-uh! I'm keeping it!"

"Why?"

"Finders keepers!" Naruto said stubbornly.

Sasuke sighed again. "Fine." He turned away.

Naruto grinned smugly. _Oh yes, I won!_ Naruto was very happy.

For about two seconds.

"Oomph!" went Naruto as Sasuke line-tackled him into the dirt. "HEY!"

Sasuke grabbed at the diary. Naruto held on as tight as he could while trying to kick away the Uchiha gone mad. The blond rolled onto his stomach, holding the pink book under his chest.

"Why the hell do you want it so bad!" Naruto squawked. He attempted to knee Sasuke in the gut but kept missing. After all, it's kind of hard to knee someone while they're _behind_ you.

"Just because!" Sasuke didn't feel like mentioning that the only reason he wanted the diary was so that the dobe couldn't have it.

Suddenly Naruto had an idea. (That's an oxymoron, but go along with it.)

He stuck the diary down his shirt.

"HAH! Now you can't get it!" Naruto laughed triumphantly as Sasuke stopped his attack to stare at him.

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Dobe, why would I care if you stuck it down your shirt? You aren't a girl." With that, he lunged again.

* * *

Sakura hopped through the trees. Naruto and Sasuke hadn't come back yet, and she was getting worried. Not so much about Naruto, but still.

She retraced their steps from earlier in the day. It was late, and the last rays of sunlight filtered through the trees.

Suddenly, she heard scuffling. A few more feet brought her to the source of the sound. She hopped off her tree and her jaw dropped in pure, undiluted horror.

Naruto was flat on the ground.

Sasuke was on top of him.

Naruto had his leg in a very..._questionable_ spot. (He had previously been trying to kick Sasuke in the family jewels.)

Sasuke had his hand up Naruto's shirt.

Both seemed to be out of breath.

You can see where this is headed, ne?

* * *

Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Next time: How will the two boys get themselves out of this mess! What other secrets (Secrets? Yeah right.) will Sakura's diary hold?

Let me know how you liked it! Or (heaven forbid) didn't like it.


	3. Sakura feels suicidal and

Well, how is everybody? Back to school yet? Up to your eyebrows in homework yet? Tell me about it. Ahh, but that's the life, huh?

Anyways, obviously here is the next chapter. Hope you like it!

Read and Review no Jutsu! ;)

**Who Says Konoha's is Peaceful?**

**Chapter Three: Sakura feels suicidal and HEY that isn't candy!**

Sakura whirled and ran back down the trail, still reeling in shock.

_No no no no no no no no no no noooo..._

She shook her head violently, trying to get the vile image out of her brain

_HELL NO! HOW DARE NARUTO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF MY SASUKE-KUN LIKE THAT! TCHA! I'LL KILL HIM!_ raged Inner Sakura, somehow overlooking that (even though it wasn't what it looked like) it was, in fact, Sasuke on top.

Sakura then heard a very...weird...squeal in the background.

She almost fainted right there on the spot. She clamped her hands over her ears to block out any more "interesting" noises and ran even faster.

Strangely enough, the squeal was from Sasuke. But it wasn't due to anything of the impure variety, it was due to Naruto's flailing leg hit him where it hurt. Big time.

"Ha-ha!" Naruto crowed, "Good luck trying to revive your clan now!"

Sasuke, now curled in an undignified ball, could only wheeze in response.

Naruto laughed again and high-tailed it back to the village before his rival had a chance to recover.

Eventually, Sasuke did start breathing normally again. And after a few more minutes, he even stood up.

"Okay Naruto... This time...it's personal."

Sasuke charged off through the dark forest.

"You are SO dead!"

Meanwhile, our favorite pink-haired kunoichi (not to mention the ONLY pink-haired kunoichi) was sitting in Ino's apartment, on the bed, shivering. Ino sat beside her, shaking her head in disbelief.

"Sakura, you must be mistaken! I'd call you a liar who was just trying to make me stop loving Sasuke so you could have him to yourself, buuuut...you suck at lying."

Sakura scowled. "...Thanks Ino. You're such a nice friend."

"I know!" Ino smiled.

A few moments of silence passed. Then...

"Naruto has SO got to die," Ino decided. Sakura smiled weakly.

_TCHA! HELL YEAH!_ screamed her inner self.

"I'm gonna see if I can get anything out of him tomorrow during training," Sakura said.

"Whaaat?" Ino demanded. "Are you serious! You're gonna ASK him! That is a big no-no, missy!"

Sakura rolled her eyes. "Hey, it's not like I'm not gonna go up to him and say 'So, do you like guys?' No, I'm gonna play detective and see if it's not just some kind of misunderstanding."

Ino thought about that for a sec, then offered a suggestion of her own. "Oh, oh! Give him the ol' Taco-or-Hot-Dog test!"

Sakura raised an eyebrow. "Huh?"

"Yeah, you go up to him and ask—Oh never mind. If you don't know, perhaps it's a good thing."

Sakura sighed. "Well, in any case, it's almost 11. I'd better be getting home,"

"...But you just got here like ten minutes ago!" Ino complained. "Let's watch a sappy movie and drown our sorrows with big bowls of ice cream!"

Sakura cocked her head. "I thought you were on a diet."

Ino folded her arms. "Fuck that. If Sasuke's gay, then I don't need to be skinny."

The next day...

Ah, Saturday morning. To most children, it means getting up at the crack of dawn to watch cartoons. To most teenagers, it means sleeping in till the crack of noon.

To Naruto, it means a 6am bowl of ramen at Ichiraku before training.

"You know, before you came along, Naruto, we didn't open till 10:00 on Saturdays," commented the shopkeeper.

Naruto made some sort of reply, but given the fact that he was in the middle of a mouthful of noodles and pork, it wasn't exactly intelligible. He did, however, succeed in spraying his dark-haired neighbor with an even coating of ramen broth.

"Say it, don't spray it," muttered Sasuke. He got up and stalked off to go change his broth-y shirt.

"Hey!" garbled Naruto. "Don't leave me to pay for this!"

Sasuke glared back darkly. "Oh, you're gonna be paying for a lot of things, you son of a—HEY! Listen to me, dammit!" Sasuke yelled as Naruto finished off the Uchiha's half-eaten bowl.

"You say something?" Naruto asked, ramen juice dribbling down his chin.

Sasuke made a face. "You are disgusting."

As he walked away, he bumped into Sakura. Sakura greeted him, not with her trademark "SASUKE-KUUUN!" squeal, but with a very strange glare.

"What's with the look?" he asked nonchalantly.

"Oh, nothing really," she replied smoothly. "Just had a bit of a rough night. How about you? You seemed to be out late." Sakura watched him carefully, hoping he'd give something away.

Sasuke looked at her, expressionless. "What of it? I'm not confined to my room at night."

He never gave anything away. Sakura sighed mentally and tried again. "I couldn't find Naruto. Was he with you?"

Sasuke raised an eyebrow. It wasn't like her to be looking for Naruto. He wondered vaguely what her game was. "Why don't you ask him yourself? He's only like ten feet away."

Sakura's eyes narrowed at Sasuke as he went off. She walked over to Naruto. "Well?"

Naruto stared at her. "Well what, Sakura-chan?" he asked, instantly nervous. _Does she know about the diary?_

"Where were you last night? I was looking for you," Sakura said, smiling sweetly.

Too sweetly.

Naruto fidgeted. "I was...uh...TRAINING! Yeah, training!" _Oh crap, she so knows! _

"Oh reaaaaaally?" went Sakura. "Was Sasuke with you?"

"Uhhh... No?" Naruto tried.

Obviously, Sakura didn't buy it. But she let it go. "Why were you eating breakfast together?"

Now _that_ was a good question. Naruto had just found the dark-haired shinobi sitting at Ichiraku when he got there that morning. It was kind of strange; Sasuke didn't even _like_ ramen. Naruto had supposed that Sasuke was going to try and fight him again for the diary.

"I dunno. He was just here," Naruto said with a shrug. But now that he thought about it, Sasuke hadn't even tried to launch another attack. Weird.

Back at his apartment, Sasuke pulled a fresh, ramen-free shirt over his head. He had fully intended to sucker-punch Naruto for that stunt he pulled in the forest, but eventually had decided on a more subtle, more ninja-y way of revenge.

Sasuke chuckled to himself. Oh, Naruto would be feelin' it soon.

-30 minutes later-

"I don't even see why we bother showing up on time; Kakashi-sensei is always late anyways," Naruto complained.

Team 7 was lounging at their usually spot on the bridge. Sasuke was eyeing Naruto, waiting for a sign that his revenge was starting to take place. Naruto was eyeing him back, wondering just what the hell the guy's problem was. Sakura watched their exchange of glances with a sinking sense of dread.

_Dammit, why is it taking so long!_ Sasuke thought. _He should be racing for the bathroom by now!_

_Geez, why is he staring at me like that?_ Naruto thought, scowling at the Uchiha. _What a freak._

Sakura had never felt so depressed in her entire life. _Damn, I've never felt so depressed in my entire life._

"Hey Sasuke!" Naruto suddenly piped up. He signaled him to come over. "C'mere a sec!"

Sasuke stepped over, unreadable as always. Naruto beckoned him to lean down so he could whisper something. The Uchiha rolled his eyes and complied. "What?"

"After training today, do you wanna...uh...you know..." Naruto shot a look at Sakura, who was blatantly starting at them. The blond pulled the corner of a certain pink book out of his pocket, just enough so Sasuke could see what it was. "Learn more stuff?"

Sasuke hid his interest in Sakura's diary. He made a noncommittal noise and walked back to his prior position on the bridge. But there was a faint smile on him lips.

Meanwhile, Sakura was fighting the urge to throw herself _off_ the bridge.

_We're only five feet up. We're only five feet up. We're only five feet up. And the water's only two feet deep, _she kept telling herself.

-3 hours later-

"Hello class!"

"KAKASHI-SENSEI, YOU'RE LATE AGAIN!" yelled Naruto and Sakura in unison. Sasuke just kept glaring at Naruto. The blond had yet to show signs of any, ahem, discomfort.

Kakashi laughed lightly. "Well you see, I was carrying little old ladies across the street when a black cat crossed my path and then—"

"LIAR!" Naruto interrupted. "I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT!"

Sasuke sighed. "Well, just tell us our training schedule already. We don't have all day."

"Ah, yes of course!" Kakashi said, smiling as usual. "I have good news! Due to next week's festival, all training for the rest of the weekend has been cancelled!"

"WHAT! WE WAITED THREE HOURS FOR NOTHING!" Naruto screeched.

Sasuke scowled darkly, a vein popping on his forehead, while meanwhile Inner Sakura was throwing a complete fit inside the kunoichi's head.

Kakashi shrugged it off. "Well anyways, we get to help decorate. But first, I've decided to take you three out to breakfast!"

Sasuke scowled again. "We already ate. Three hours ago. It's practically lunchtime now."

Kakashi sighed. "Fine. Before we decorate for the festival, I'll take you three out to lunch."

"Wait, what festival?" Naruto asked, oblivious as always.

"That was delayed," Sasuke muttered.

"They've only been talking about it for the past, oh, THREE MONTHS!" Sakura said, almost calmly.

Kakashi nodded. "Yes, it's a big deal. It's to celebrate the anniversary of Konoha's peace treaty with Sunagakure."

"Suna?" Naruto asked. "You mean Gaara's country?"

"The one and only."

"Cool!" Naruto yipped. "Can we have ramen for lunch?"

Kakashi sighed, ever amazed at the blond's ability to NOT FOCUS. "Not today. You eat so much ramen, I swear one of these days you're gonna turn into a noodle."

"YAY!" Naruto cheered, hopping up and down like a retard. Kakashi sighed again.

They ended up eating at a crummy little bar-slash-restaurant. Naruto didn't like it. He was sure he'd seen Ero-sennin enter the place before.

"Why are we at such a crappy place, Kakashi-sensei?" Naruto complained. They were seated at a booth in the corner, Naruto next to Sakura and Kakashi next to Sasuke.

"It's cheap," Kakashi said. "And I promised Jiraiya I'd meet him here. And the waitresses aren't too bad on the eyes...or eye, in my case."

_Hot waitresses? Sleazy bar? Figures Jiraiya would be here_, Naruto thought, scowling mentally.

(A/N- I would just like to stray from the plot for a moment to say that Jiraiya is THE coolest name ever!)

"So then... Where is he?" Sasuke asked a few minutes later, after they ordered their food.

Kakashi shrugged and flagged down their waitress. "Miss, have you see a big, white-haired man around here? I was supposed to meet him for breakfast."

The waitress eyed him. "You'll have to be more specific."

"He's a PERVERT!" Naruto yelled helpfully.

Kakashi slapped his own forehead, but the waitress suddenly nodded. "Ah, yes! He hit on every like single girl here! I slapped him myself. But he left like over two hours ago."

Kakashi slumped in his seat as his three students glared at him.

"YOU ARE ALWAYS SO LATE, KAKASHI-SENSEI!"

-Like 15 minutes later-

"Sakura, are you okay?" Kakashi asked the kunoichi. "You've been strangely quiet."

Naruto was inhaling his 5th bowl of ramen (turns out they serve it everywhere...). "We're all pretty close, you can share, Sakura-chan," he said, raising the bowl to drink the broth.

Sakura sighed and poked at her salad. Oh yeah, she was very depressed over the sasu-naru thing her mind had invented. But of course she didn't say that. So she said the next thing that came to mind.

"I lost my diary."

Sasuke choked and started coughing. Naruto choked and spilled his soup all over himself.

Sakura stared, extremely confused. Kakashi reached over and pounded Sasuke on the back. Eventually the Uchiha recovered, cleared his throat, and put on his best scowl.

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom," Naruto announced, sounding kind of garbled from the choking.

"Don't get lost," Kakashi muttered, returning miso soup. Somehow, he had managed to eat half of it without anybody catching a glimpse of his face. A true genius.

The subject of Sakura's diary was dropped. Although another problem in the form of a blond hurricane quickly came up.

"Hey guys, guess what!" shouted Naruto as he came back from the bathroom. He was practically jumping up and down.

Nobody bothered to ask what, they just stared at him.

"Well, isn't anyone gonna guess what?" Naruto prompted eagerly. Sasuke shoveled a mess of (some Japanese food) into his face to suppress a growl at the kid's hyperactivity.

"What, Naruto?" Kakashi answered blandly.

"They have free candy in the bathroom!" Naruto said excitedly.

Everyone stared at him again. Kakashi cocked his head. "No they don't. Why would you say that?"

"What do you mean?" Naruto asked, confused. "I took like half the basket! I'll show, but I'm not sharing!"

Naruto reached in his pockets and pulled out...

About 50 cherry-flavored condoms.

Sasuke and Sakura spewed their food across the table. Kakashi made a weird gacking noise.

"Kakashi-sensei...that's disgusting" Naruto eyed the white-haired man, completely clueless as to why candy would illicit such a reaction. Sasuke and Sakura, still trying to recover, stopped reeling for a moment to look at Kakashi.

Apparently Kakashi had his mask on when he -attempted- to spit out a mouthful of soup.

...Meaning all of it was trapped in said mask. Broth and noodles and whatever the hell else is in miso soup slid down his neck, trapped by the now-soaking cloth.

It was not Kakashi's most graceful moment.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Nice long chapter for my dearies! Hope you liked it! I'll get the next one up soon, assuming college doesn't slay me first. (sweatdrop)

Next time- Sasuke and Naruto break into Sakura's house!

Oh by the way, what the HELL does "dobe" mean? I'm using it, but I don't know what it means! I just know Sasuke calls Naruto that.


	4. Kama Sutra no Jutsu

Once again, thanks to all my beautiful reviewers! Hugs and candy and undress-able Sasuke dolls to you all! (COUGH)

Okay, now some of you have expressed concern on what pairings there will be. I just want to take a moment to clear this up.

There will be no SasuSaku unless someone pays me.

There will be no SasuNaru unless someone pays me even more.

There will be a NaruSasuSaku threesome at some point.

…

...Just kidding! I AM JUST KIDDING, PEOPLE! I have no intention of putting ANY actual romance stuff in this story (unless you pay me). This whole thing is just for shits and giggles; any "situations" are solely for the purpose of making you guys laugh.

And just to reiterate, I was JUST KIDDING ABOUT THE THREESOME!

**Isadora the Great** is my beta! Thank you, dearie! And I'm beta-ing for her too! And I have a beta fish in my dorm room! I named him Gaara-kun. (His first name was Red-Priest Usada but my friends were making fun of me so I changed it... Thanks you guys /sarcasm/)

Read and Review no Jutsu!

* * *

**Who Says Konoha is Peaceful?**

**Chapter Four: I know there's a plot around here somewhere...  
**

* * *

"I can't believe Kakashi-sensei took away my candy!" Naruto complained loudly. 

Sasuke sighed, unable to believe that the blond could be so dense. Kakashi had indeed taken Naruto's "candy" – and slipped it into his own pockets. The team had finished their lunch in an awkward silence. Now, Sasuke and Naruto were sitting behind Ichiraku, Sakura's little pink book of secrets resting in Naruto's lap. Sakura had gone home to brood and Kakashi went to...well, wherever Kakashi goes when not training ninjas. Probably some dirty bookstore. But let's not dabble in that, okay?

"Why are you so clueless, dobe?" Sasuke grumped. "I'm used to you being a moron, but this is an all-time low."

Naruto scowled and cocked his head. "Not following."

"...Not surprised."

Naruto crossed his arms and huffed. "Well, if you're so smart, then tell me."

"...I'd rather not. Besides, you're a guy, you should know that wasn't candy."

"...If it wasn't candy, why's it flavored?" Naruto asked.

Sasuke groaned inwardly. He SO did not want to explain condoms to Naruto. "Ask Kakashi. Or Iruka. Or Jiraiya. Or anybody but me."

"Ah-HAH! I knew you're just pullin' crap!" Naruto cried. "You can't think of anything, huh?"

_Argh_... Sasuke rubbed his temples and grimaced. "Naruto, you are such an _idiot!_ I am NOT explaining the birds and the bees to you!"

"The birds and th—What the hell?" Naruto knew what the "birds and the bees" were, he just didn't understand what they had to do with anything.

Sasuke was ready to scream. But Uchihas don't run around screaming in public, so he tried to calm himself.

"Well Sasuke?"

Sasuke gritted his teeth. "Well it's...for...you know... Uh... You know..." He made a series of..._interesting_ hand motions.

Naruto raised an eyebrow and clapped slowly.

"I wasn't putting on a show, dobe!" Sasuke tried to not roll his eyes but failed horribly. He came up with the aggravating conclusion that he was just making himself look like an idiot, so the Uchiha decided to change the subject as quickly as possible. "Listen, let's just read that book before Sakura finds us."

Naruto's face lit up. "Okay! Will you read out loud again?"

Sasuke sighed. _I hate my life_...

Oh and by the way, he was still pissed over the fact that the laxative he slipped in Naruto's ramen that morning never took effect.

(Later, he would discover that Tsunade had played a joke on him and had given him a bottle of sugar instead. And he would not be happy.)

Meanwhile...

Sakura was walking with Tenten and Hinata. The Hyuuga heiress had invited them over, but currently they were discussing the whole Sasuke/Naruto thing.

"...And then, he shows up at the table with a huge handful of FREAKING CONDOMS!" Sakura wailed.

Tenten sighed. "Leave it to Naruto to be so painfully blunt and obvious!"

"A...are you s-sure N-Naruto..." Hinata stuttered, unable to finish her sentence.

"Sorry, kiddo," Tenten shook her head. "But hey - at least they're being safe," she said sarcastically.

"May...Maybe it isn't Naruto-kun's f-fault," said Hinata, blushing as always. "I-I mean, maybe S-Sasuke came on to—" she stopped talking when she noticed the way Sakura was glaring at her suggestion.

"I think we should ask around and see if other people have noticed anything weird going on," Tenten decided.

Sakura shook her head. "No, I really don't want to ruin Sasuke-kun's reputation. Besides, I'd feel too guilty!"

"And...and Naruto-kun's reputation too," said Hinata softly.

They arrived at Hinata's home. Sakura rested a hand on her forehead in a gesture of distress. "I really need something to take my mind off this," she muttered as she took off her shoes.

"We should do something fun," Tenten said. "But what?"

And then, as they entered the living room, opportunity came down and kissed 'em on the lips. For you see, on the couch was Neji, fast asleep after some difficult mission. And on the floor in the next room over was Hanabi, humming to herself as she went through her mother's box of make-up.

Cue evil grins...

Back behind Ichiraku...

The two shinobi opened Sakura's diary to where they had left off. And they began to read...

_Dear Diary,_

_Today really sucked! First I stubbed my toe on my dresser, then my hair drier broke, and then after lunch when I was hoping to get some nice time alone with Sasuke-kun, stupid Naruto showed up! Dammit Naruto, you're late when you're needed and always around when you aren't! But it's hard to stay mad at that kid. I mean, he's nowhere near as smexy as Sasuke-kun but at least he has a sense of humor. I bet that if he could only tame that hyperactive, incessantly ANNOYING IMMATURE side of him, he could get a girl. Not me though. Unless he could PROVE that blonds have more fun, which since I've met Ino I've stopped believing in. _

_Which reminds me... Ino was bragging around that she climbed the terrace on the side of Sasuke-kun's place and took pictures of him in the shower! THAT WHORE! I could never betray Sasuke-kun's trust like that! Sometimes I really hate that ho-bag._

_She wouldn't even share them!_

...Silence.

Naruto was slightly miffed over what Sakura wrote about him, but he was always one to recover quickly. Sasuke, on the other hand...

"Hey teme, you okay?" Naruto looked over to Sasuke, who was gaping and had gone considerably blue.

Sasuke replied with some sort of strangled noise.

"Hell-oooooo, teme?" Naruto waved his hand in front of Sasuke's face just to be annoying. Sasuke murmured something incoherent. Naruto suspected his brain had fused.

The blond chuckled nervously and glanced back at the diary. "That sure was sneaky of Ino, huh?"

Sasuke's eyes darkened. "You do realize what this means, right?" he asked after a very long pause. Girl or not, Ino was gonna get a punch in the face next time they met.

"Ino got a free show?" Naruto answered, a smug look on his face. "Sakura wants to know if I have more fun than you? I bet I do!"

Sasuke glowered. "Hn. Uchihas don't have fun. We train."

"And yet, despite all that ninja training, you still couldn't detect a rabid fan girl outside your window?" Naruto said, trying his best to provoke the dark-haired teen.

And it worked. Sasuke hit him on the shoulder. Hard.

Naruto scowled, rubbing his now-throbbing shoulder. It wasn't like Sasuke to get that violent over such light teasing. Naruto figured the Uchiha was just taking out his anger at Ino on him instead. Regardless, Naruto was not the type who just took a punch and let it go...even if he himself provoked it.

So Naruto hit him back. Sasuke caught the blond's fist and twisted his arm.

"OW OW OW! TEME!"

"Oh, sorry dobe," Sasuke responded lazily. "Am I _hurting_ you?"

"Never in your life, teme!" Naruto hollered, and elbowed the Uchiha in the gut with his free arm.

All fancy ninja techniques forgotten, the two teens quickly fell into an out-and-out brawl. No _kage bunshin_, no _katon_, no _rendan_, no fancy katas, just kicking, punching, and – in Naruto's case – biting and clawing.

It was actually quite amusing.

Until Ino peered around the corner, just in time to see Naruto tackle Sasuke to the ground and sink his kyuubi teeth into the underside of the Uchiha's jaw.

For the second time in less than two days, a female saw them in an unintentional and awkward position.

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!" Ino screeched. Oh, she _was_ going to kill something. Or some_one_. Or _two_ someones.

Sasuke froze. Naruto, taken completely by surprise, clamped his mouth shut in shock.

"Jugular! _Jugular!"_ Sasuke choked, pounding the top of Naruto's head with his fist.

With a strangled squawk, Naruto shoved himself away and off of his teammate. The two boys looked up at Ino, whose expression mirrored that of a raging hornet with salsa up its nose.

"Well!" Ino demanded.

"We were just, um, reading!" Naruto sputtered. "R-Right, Sasuke?"

Not getting an answer, the blond turned to see Sasuke with his hands clamped over his face.

_Aww, he's embarrassed!_ Naruto couldn't help but smirk. He made a mental note to tease the Uchiha later.

"What were you reading?" Ino said dangerously.

Oh yeah. She was still there.

"Erm..." Naruto said. He glanced nervously at Sasuke again, who had recovered enough to put his I've-got-a-stick-up-my-ass trademark scowl back on.

Sasuke _hmph'd_. "It's nothing. Mind your own damn business."

"Ohhhhh I get it," Ino said calmly, almost innocently. "It's one of those Kama Sutra books, isn't it?"

Naruto, being an idiot, thought he was being granted a way out of the mess. "Oh, um, uh, YES! Yeah, you're right!" Naruto said loudly, forcing what he hoped was an innocent grin on his face.

Sasuke just about swallowed a lung.

Ino twitched violently. "Well...erm... If that's what you two are into, then...um...Igottagobye!"

As the twitching kunoichi ran off, Sasuke whirled to face Naruto. "Wh...Why the hell did you _say_ that!"

Naruto wrinkled his eyebrows. "Well, why not? It got her to leave, right?"

"...You don't know what Kama Sutra _is_, do you, dobe?"

Naruto huffed and crossed his arms. "Of course I do! It's that flame ninjutsu that you're always doing."

"_No_, that's _Katon_! Not _Kama_!" Well, he was officially screwed. Sasuke rubbed his temples and took several deep breaths. "A Kama Sutra is a book that depicts various positions one might use during...intercourse."

Naruto snorted with laughter. "You are the only person I know who is uptight enough to refer to getting laid as—wait, did you just say I told Ino we were reading a freaking SEX BOOK!"

Sasuke stood up and brushed the grass off his butt. "I'm going home."

Naruto realized something. "Wait, how did YOU know what Kama-whatever is?"

"...Don't worry about it."

_Flashback several years..._

"Hey Aniki, will you teach me shuriken techniques today?" asked a 6-year-old Sasuke.

A not-completely-evil-yet Itachi was seated at the kitchen table, pulling on his ANBU shoes. "Otouto, you know I have a mission today. Next time, okay?"

"Hn."

"Sasuke-kun, could you be a good little brother and bring my katana? It's under my bed."

"Yes, Aniki!" Sasuke, happy to help his brother, ran to the elder Uchiha's room, reached under the bed, and pulled out...

Itachi grabbed a cloth and began wiping at a scuff on his red and white mask.

"Aniki, what are they doing?" came a small voice behind him.

Itachi turned and just about fell out of his chair. Sasuke was holding the book open to a graphic photo that I will not describe.

_Oh shit, father is going to slay me..._

"I think he's hurting her, Aniki..."

Itachi coughed uncomfortably. "...How about you give that to me, and if you promise not to tell anyone about it, I'll teach you a new shuriken technique when I get back, okay?"

"...Okay!"

_End Flashback._

Later that afternoon, Naruto decided that it would be best to give Sakura back her diary. After all, he figured the kunoichi would never go out with him if she found out he had it. Naruto ran over to her place, dropped it in a bush by the door and ran off. (He was originally going to do a ding-dong-dash, but decided that could be traced back to him too easily.)

His timing was right on for once – not five minutes after he left, Sakura came home. She was in considerably better spirits than earlier that day. She stumbled across her diary rather easily and squealed with delight. Suddenly, she heard a strange noise behind her and turned around...to face a frothing Ino.

"Um...Ino? What's up?" Sakura asked, a bit nervous at the blonde's expression.

"You. Me. Talk now."

"Wh—Why? What's wrong?"

"You were right..." Ino glared hard at the pink-haired girl. "There is definitely something going on between them."

—Cut to the Hyuuga residence—

Neji yawned and sat up. He felt much better after his nap. He trudged to the bathroom, shut the door behind him, and caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror.

And then screamed like the little girl looking back at him.

* * *

Yeah, yeah, I know last chapter I said they were gonna break into Sakura's house. But then I got carried away, and before I knew it... Yeah. But it's definitely gonna happen next chapter. I promise! Seriously! 

Please love on me and review a little!


	5. I think it looks better on you

Thank you so much to all my reviews again! I love each and every one of you! I wish I could just reach through my compy and glom on all of you! But even if that were physically possible, I wouldn't... Cuz that's creepy.

Anyways, I know some people were wondering just why in the heck Ino brought up Kama Sutra in the first place. Well, basically, she was testing them (remember I mentioned that earlier?). She wanted to see how they responded. Hope that clears that up at least a little bit...

Oh, and I know I left a huge-ass plot hole with the whole Team-7-decorating-after-lunch thing. Oops. Just...just ignore that...thanks...

Read and Review no Jutsu!

* * *

**Who Says Konoha is Peaceful?**

**Chapter Five: I think it looks better on you**

* * *

Hinata was watching soaps with Tenten when she heard the scream. The two girls exchanged grins. Of course they knew _why_ Hinata's cousin was screaming, they _helped_ with it! So when Neji rushed through the room a few seconds later, Tenten had to try really hard to keep the smirk off her face while Hinata giggled uncontrollably.

"Who. Did. This?!" Neji demanded, glaring daggers and daring them to laugh at him.

Hinata giggled again, tried to suppress it, and ending up choking. Tenten patted her on the back while admiring their..._creation_.

Neji...Poor Neji... His long, soft hair (that he spent waaay too much time and shampoo on anyways) was tied in braids and oh-so-cute pink ribbons and glittery beads –materials lovingly provided by Hanabi. And the make-up... They had used blue and silver eyeshadow on him, along with a shiny and _very_ feminine pink lipstick. Ino had even curled his eyelashes. Unfortunately, the white foundation and rouge was currently lost in his flushed face.

"Why, Neji!" Tenten gushed mockingly. "You look so _pretty_ today!"

Neji, being Neji, didn't yell but his expression did darken considerably. "Why, you're so gorgeous, I'll bet if you walk outside right now, every man in Konoha will want you!" Tenten continued, eyes watering with the effort it took to smother convulsive waves of laughter.

At that, Neji _almost_ lunged at them, but decided that was out of character. Besides, he wanted to keep what was left of his shredded dignity.

"Even Sasuke would want to get in your pants!" Tenten snorted, finally breaking out into hysterical laughing as she remembered her earlier conversation with Ino and Sakura.

This time, Neji _did_ lunge. Dignity be damned! Tenten and Hinata leapt over the couch and fled out of a conveniently open door. The girls both knew that Princess Neji dare not follow them out into public, no way in hell!

* * *

Meanwhile, over at Sakura's place, she and Ino had just spent the last hour discussing Sasuke and Naruto: what they had witnessed, what they had heard, and every exaggeration a rabid fangirl's imagination could invent.

"In conclusion...yeah, they're gay," Sakura said with a depressed groan. "And apparently are wasting no time with the getting' busy."

Ino smirked evilly. "Let's spy on them! I have a camera! We could sell the pictures! Or ransom them!"

Sakura stared at her blonde friend. "Why isn't this bothering you as much as I expected it would?"

"'Cause guy-on-guy action is hot!" Ino said with a wink.

Sakura twitched. She was very, very disturbed. She hoped the blonde was just joking.

Ino laughed. "I can't wait to tell Shikamaru! Ya know, he and Kiba laid down some money on this a long time ago!"

"NO!" Sakura yelled. "No telling anybody! We don't betray Sasuke! He'll hate m—Wait, Shikamaru and Kiba did WHAT?!"

"Yeah, Kiba bet Shikamaru fifty bucks that Sasuke was over the rainbow. They did this a long time ago."

Sakura didn't know how to respond to that. So she continued to press Ino until the girl finally agreed not to tell anyone about Sasuke.

"I swear, Big-forehead, it's not like he'd even be able to trace it to you!" Ino shook her head and Sakura scowled at the nickname, as usual. "But fine. I won't tell a soul. Now, how about we go get something to eat?"

"Okay, I'll be there in a sec, Ino-pig. I gotta do something first," Sakura said. The pink-haired kunoichi ran up to her room, and pulled the little pink book out of its special hiding place.

"_Dear Diary, I'm glad to have you back, but I have some horrible news_..."

* * *

Back at the Hyuuga residence, Neji stalked towards the bathroom, grumbling various curses and how it was most definitely _not_ his fate to look like a woman (um...yeah, okay Neji). When he arrived at his destination, he realized that the door was closed.

Should he knock? If someone was in there, then they'd see Neji standing there in all his sparkly glory. And if he didn't knock, what if the bathroom was empty all along? He'd have to go around looking like a woman even longer. Luckily – or perhaps not so – Neji was spared from making a decision when the door swung open and the occupant stepped out.

Hiashi froze and stared at his nephew, his jaw practically on the ground in shock.

_Oh crap_, thought Neji. This was going to be a fun one to explain.

* * *

Halfway across Konoha, Sakura and Ino were seated at a little café along with Shikamaru. Shikamaru had been there before the girls arrived, sipping cappuccino and staring at the sky. It didn't take much persuasion on the girls' part for the shinobi to allow them to join him. Of course, the only reason for this was because Ino insisted and it was always way too troublesome to argue with her.

So they were sitting there, Sakura talking about random things (babbling, really), Shikamaru with his feet on the table and rocking back in his chair (whether or not he was listening at all was anyone's guess), and Ino sort-of-discretely trying to knock him over (she was bored). The waitress brought them some drinks, and after a few more minutes of not-too-soft nudges on Shikamaru's shoulder, Ino decided to try a new way to topple the young Chuunin.

"So, Shikamaru, you know that bet against Kiba you guys made?"

"...Which one?"

"The Sasuke one," Ino said.

"Yeah, what of it?" he asked through a lazy yawn.

"Well... You lost."

Shikamaru stopped in mid-yawn and forgot to close his mouth. He toppled out of his chair with a crash.

"_What?!_" he said in disbelief after he had picked himself up.

Ino and Sakura explained, and Shikamaru's eyebrows practically shot off his face.

"Naruto and Sasuke, eh? ...You can't be serious. He's really...?" he asked, massaging his temples. "Damn...this is troublesome."

"I know! I mean, this ruins everything! Now I can't even compete unless I magically grow a dick!" Ino exclaimed, throwing her hands in up in the air.

"There's probably a jutsu for that somewhere," Sakura muttered dryly. She was also rather taken by surprise by Ino's exclamation due to the blonde's relatively indifferent reaction earlier.

Shikamaru yawned again. "Actually, I was referring to the fact that I don't have fifty bucks to spare."

"Wait... So you don't care at all that Sasuke..." Sakura said.

"Why the hell would I care about Sasuke? It doesn't affect me. I'm quite certain that I'm not his type."

"But Sasuke—" Ino started, but was interrupted.

"Wait, is someone talking about Sasuke??" chorused a group of Sasuke fangirls who happened to be seated a few tables away. They stood up together as a mass of territorial Uchiha stalkers.

"Yeah, he's gay," Shikamaru stated bluntly.

Right after that, he was mauled within an inch of his life by aforementioned stalkers. Given his high IQ, he should've known better than to have said that.

"No really, it's true!" Sakura wailed, and launched into her explanation, Ino joining in with her own evidence. Evidentially, both girls had completely forgotten about their promise not to tarnish Sasuke's rep. The group of fangirls bickered amongst themselves for some time and several minor catfights broke out. However, Ino and Sakura kept at it until even the single-tracked minds of the most avid Sasuke worshippers had to admit that something fishy was going on. Then, rather suddenly, the fangirls (aside from Sakura and Ino) shot off in fifteen different directions.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the rumor was spread throughout Konoha in ten minutes – less time than it took poor Shikamaru to extract himself from several chairs and a table.

"Geez...going to the hospital is always so troublesome..."

* * *

For the next several hours, Sakura and Ino (since they were both direct witnesses) were asked to confirm several hundred different versions of the rumor, which had grown to be huge and severely warped from retelling. The most outrageous variation was from the girl who said her friend's-boyfriend's-cousin's-friend's-classmate had heard that the two guys were seen going at it on Tsunade's desk. Sakura wasn't sure if she should laugh violently or violently beat the shit out of whoever started that one. Ino settled for doing both.

Surprisingly enough, Naruto and Sasuke were among the few who had no idea about the rumors infecting the Hidden Leaf village. This was probably because Naruto was dense and Sasuke didn't go out much.

Speaking of Sasuke not going out much, the Uchiha was currently irritated because he could not find _any_ food in his place. Which meant that he _would_ have to go out if he wanted to eat dinner.

Sasuke growled and opened the fridge. No food. He scowled and went through the cupboards again. No food. Then he went back to the fridge and was irrationally pissed when the thing had not magically restocked itself. Sasuke checked the fridge three more times before deciding that food was _not_ just going to be there the next time he opened the door. So he had to go shopping.

He went out into the crowded streets of Konoha, and immediately noticed that something was up.

"I thought you loved me, Sasuke-kun!" cried a sorely-mislead girl.

"How dare you betray us, Sasuke-kun!" snarled a group of stalkers.

"I just want you to know that I respect your decision, Sasuke-kun, and will no longer hide in the bushes to take pictures of you," nodded a middle-aged woman. (Sasuke shuddered violently that one.)

"You free right now? Wanna go get coffee?"

Sasuke froze. That was definitely a male voice. The one thing that made Sasuke visibly uneasy was getting hit on by other men. Women, he could handle. Men...no. So he froze, and after several wordless tries was able to spit out a "Hell. NO!"

Sasuke walked slightly faster after that, but this new torment didn't end. By the time he got to the market, he'd been cussed at by five groups of acclaimed fangirls and hit on by over ten men. Not to mention, he was painfully aware of all the weird looks sent his way.

Probably what bothered him the most was the fact that the Uchiha had no idea what the hell he had done to deserve such..._treatment_.

_What the hell! Did everybody go insane at once??_ Sasuke thought in bewilderment after punching out a guy who asked to "spend the night" with him.

It was even worse at the market. It was..._everywhere!_ Angry women and horny men all around him... Sasuke was feeling claustrophobia seeping into his brain. Eventually, it got so bad that Sasuke used a genjutsu to hide himself just so all the whack-jobs that seemed to sprout up overnight would go away. He was so weirded-out that he didn't want to risk dropping the illusion to pay for his groceries, so he just skipped that part altogether.

Sasuke shuddered as hurried home via rooftops and backstreets, his bag of (stolen) food in his arms. If Uchihas could panic in public, that's exactly what Sasuke would be doing right now. However, since Sasuke was Sasuke, he kept his stoic expression firmly plastered on his face. Inwardly, though, he was freaking out for the first time in _years_. He had no idea how many gay men there were in Konoha! And why did they wait until now to pop out of the closet? _Is it National Gay-Day or something??_ Sasuke wondered incredulously. _The only thing worse than getting hit on by girls is getting hit on by guys!_

Suddenly, Sasuke had an idea! He could read Sakura's diary, and see if it held any clues as to what the hell was going on – after all, every girl is up-to-date on gossip, right? Sasuke nodded to himself, pleased with his reasoning. He decided to pay Naruto a visit after he made dinner and put his groceries away.

It was getting dark by the time Sasuke headed back out. He took the alleys and rooftops again to Naruto's place. When he arrived at the Uzumaki residence, he noticed a group of his fangirls milling about near the front door. Sasuke didn't exactly want to catch their attention, so he chose to sneak in through one of the upper windows. Which of course was very simple, seeing as Naruto never locked _anything_.

Sasuke found himself in Naruto's bedroom...Naruto's _extremely__messy_ bedroom. Sasuke grimaced as he waded through papers and laundry deep enough to reach his calves. He paused at Naruto's desk. _Hm, I could find that diary and leave, and not even have to talk to the dobe_, Sasuke thought. He liked that idea. He went to work, rummaging through the drawers. Outdated scrolls, empty ramen packets, dried noodles, some change, quizzes back from the academy days, _more_ old ramen packets...

"Do you _ever_ clean, dobe?" Sasuke muttered and shut that drawer. He opened the next one. Oh...boxers. Sasuke gritted his teeth. _Wonderful_.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

Sasuke stiffened at the high-pitched shriek and barely dodged the bowl of ramen that was hurtled at his head.

..._So much for not running into Naruto_, Sasuke thought dryly. He turned to face the blond, who was currently thrashing around the room, chucking more stuff at Sasuke while screaming obscenities.

"HELP! HELP, I'M BEING ROBBED! BURGLAR! GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE, YOU MOTHERF—"

And Sasuke promptly clapped his hand over the spazzing teen. "Shut up, you moron, it's just me."

Naruto thrashed around for a bit, then relaxed when he recognized Sasuke. Then he changed his mind and embedded his elbow into Sasuke's ribs. Of course, the Uchiha was in no way hurt by it, but he did let go of the blond. "Sasuke-teme?! Why're you robbing me??"

"...I'm not robbing you, dobe." ...Okay, so that was technically a lie.

"Well then why the hell are you here?!" Naruto screeched.

"You know, a true ninja shouldn't have to scream like a woman if he finds someone in his house," Sasuke remarked, somewhat avoiding the question.

"HEY! TEME! I do NOT scream like a girl!" Naruto howled.

"Tch, then would do you call it?" Sasuke asked smugly.

"It was...uh...a manly shriek!" Naruto insisted. Then he frowned. "Wait, why were you going through my underwear? Wait! Has Kakashi-sensei corrupted you too?! You're a pervert?!"

Sasuke scowled at his teammate. "...I need to see Sakura's diary."

Naruto reply was immediate. "No."

Sasuke gave him his trademark Glare of Death. "Why?"

"I gave it back to Sakura," Naruto stated simply.

"You didWHAT?!"

"I SAID, I gave—"

"I heard you, dumbass!" Sasuke growled. "Why the hell did you give it back??"

Naruto shrugged. "Why the hell do you _need_ it so badly?"

Sasuke grunted. "Mind your own damn business."

"WHAT!? You break into my house, try and steal my underwear, and ruin my dinner (Naruto pointed to the ramen dripping down the wall), and then tell _ME_ to mind my own business?!" Naruto hollered. "You've got some nerve, teme!"

"Dammit, dobe, I have no interest in your underwear!" Sasuke turned to leave.

"WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?!" Naruto yelled, dead-set on making Sasuke explained himself before he left.

"Sakura's."

Naruto made an exasperated noise. "Would you just _tell_ me what's going on, teme?!"

Sasuke huffed. After a pause, he said, "Something odd is going on."

Naruto quirked an eyebrow. "Including or not including you raiding my house?"

Sasuke sighed. "...Come. I'll show you."

Sasuke lead the way to Naruto's front door, remembering the cluster of fangirls that was there earlier. He took a deep breath, twisted the knob, and flung the door open.

Once the fangirls noticed him standing there, the reaction was instantaneous. They let out a war cry and surged forward.

Sasuke jumped back inside, slammed the door shut, and locked every one of its dozen or so locks. Then he turned to Naruto, whose eyebrows had disappeared into his hairline.

"See?" Sasuke stated. Then he frowned. "...Why the hell do you have so many locks on a door that you never lock?"

"Remember that time I stuck a frog in Sakura-chan's soup and I was afraid she'd gut me once she found out?"

"...Oh."

"So, you think Sakura's diary will have some clue as to why your fan club seems to be trying to murder you?" Naruto asked skeptically. Sasuke grunted, and Naruto took it as an affirmative. "She's not just gonna hand it over, you know."

Sasuke _tch_'d in irritation. "That's why we're breaking in, idiot."

Naruto tried to hide a look of glee. He failed. "We?!"

Sasuke flinched. He hadn't meant to include the blond. Then again, it _would_ probably be easier with two people. And if something went wrong, Sakura would probably beat Naruto to a pulp and leave Sasuke alone.

"I need somebody to distract her."

"All right!" Naruto cried happily. "I've always wanted to break into a house!"

"...You're a ninja and you've never broken into a house before?"

"Sh-shut up, teme! It just means that I have more morals than you!"

Sasuke smirked. He'd never done it either, but it was just so much fun to tease his blond comrade. "Tch, dobe."

Naruto's eyes suddenly lit up. "Oh! I have an idea!"

"Careful. Don't strain yourself."

Sasuke ducked under the shoe that was hurtled at his head a second later.

"Bastard. Anyways, I'll help you use Sakura-chan's diary to get yourself out of whatever mess you're in, and you can help me use the diary for clues to get Sakura-chan to go out with me! Deal?"

"...That is the dumbest idea you've ever had. And that's saying something, dobe."

"No! It's a great idea, jackass!" Naruto insisted. "You get those pissed off chicks off your ass and I get Sakura-chan! Plus, if I get Sakura-chan, you won't be bothered by her anymore!"

"No. No deal," Sasuke stated, his only reason being... Well, actually he couldn't think of a reason. He just didn't want to.

"Aw, come on, you grouchy old bastard!" Naruto whined. "Why don't you want me to get her? I though you thought she was '_annoying_.' ...WAIT! Do you actually like her, teme??"

Sasuke scowled. "Hell no."

"Then why not?? It's like, even though you say you're not interested, you don't want her liking anyone else!"

Sasuke found it below him to retaliate, so he didn't.

Naruto was not finished quite yet. "It's an ego-trip, isn't it?! You just wanna see how many girls you can get to fawn over your scrawny pale ass, don't you?? Leave some for the rest of us, you greedy old coot!"

Sasuke twitched at the "scrawny pale ass" comment. "I'm the same age as you, moron," he growled.

Naruto ignored him and continued to rant for a few more minutes until the raven couldn't stand listening to him anymore. "Oh for the love of God, shut _up_! I'm not interested in girls."

Silence.

Sasuke frowned. Even though he told the blond to shut up, Sasuke didn't expect him to. Silence around Naruto was not normal. The Uchiha turned to Naruto. Naruto was wide-eyed and gaping at him.

Sasuke felt the urge to roll his eyes. "I'm not interested in guys either, dumbass."

Naruto visibly relaxed. "Oh, okay, good. 'Cause if you were, I think I'd hafta ask you to leave."

Sasuke couldn't suppress a smirk. "Tch, don't flatter yourself. I could do better than you."

Naruto was back to gaping. _The apocalypse must be coming... He actually made a—Hey waitaminute, that was a _diss

"TEME!!"

"Here's the plan," said Sasuke, looking rather smug.

-Five minutes later-

"Ladieeeeeees..."

Naruto swung open the front door. The blond's only purpose was to act as a distraction, both here and at Sakura's house. In return, Sasuke very grudgingly promised to help the guy hook up with Sakura.

Poor Naruto had no idea what he had gotten himself into.

"THERE HE IS!!"

"GET 'IM!!"

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"

They lunged, all nails and curses. Apparently the fangirls were equally pissed at him as well. Naruto had no idea how to react to this. So he ran. Being a ninja, Naruto easily lost the crazed women, but now he too could appreciate the weirdness of the whole thing.

The blond met up Sasuke in a tree behind Sakura's home, adjacent from the kunoichi's window. "You ass!" Naruto complained. "You totally sicced all those angry chicks on me! So not cool!"

Sasuke looked at him. "They're also after you?"

"Well I guess that explains why they were all at my house in the first place," Naruto grumbled. He crawled forward on the tree branch. "I can't see a damn thing from over here!"

"I can," Sasuke muttered, blatantly not even looking at the lighted room.

"Teme! You aren't even looking!"

"...She's changing."

Sasuke was almost shoved off the branch as Naruto practically crawled over him. "Really?? She is? I don't—HEY! You liar, she's just sitting there!"

"I'm going to remember this next time you decide to call me a pervert. Now go ring the doorbell or something."

"No way, I'm not missing out on raiding her room!" Naruto insisted, making a familiar hand seal. A _bunshin_ poofed into existence next on the branch to him. Naruto whispered some instructions in the clone's ear. It gave a mock salute, jumped out of the tree, and ran around the house to ring the doorbell. A moment later, Sakura looked up and exited her room.

_Let's go_, Sasuke motioned with a jerk of his head. They leapt off the tree and onto the side of the house, using chakra to stay adhered to the vertical surface. Sasuke quickly picked the lock to Sakura's window, opened it, and smoothly slipped inside. Naruto followed not as gracefully. He landed on his ass with a _thump_.

"Be quiet!" Sasuke hissed.

"It's okay. She won't be back for a while. She's outside," Naruto said, seeming very sure of himself.

Sasuke cocked an eyebrow.

"I told the other me to tell Sakura-chan that I needed help shopping for a present for you."

Sasuke gave him a weird look. "...It's not my birthday."

"Yeah, and it's not Christmas either. I hope she buys it," Naruto replied lazily, flopping on the bed. He ran a hand under the pillow and yelped as it encountered several kunai. "Damn! That's not a diary!"

"Buys what? Your story or my present?"

"Both would be nice. As if I'd get you anything otherwise," Naruto shrugged and hopped off Sakura's bed. "So...where do you think this diary is?"

"Just look everywhere," Sasuke said, sifting through a stack of books. Sakura's room was _much_ cleaner than Naruto's.

Naruto opened a drawer. Socks. He poked around, closed it, and opened the next one.

Sasuke meanwhile had finished going through all the books and scrolls, and joined Naruto in looking through Sakura's drawers. Sasuke closed a drawer full of nothing but old schoolwork and a rusty shuriken and opened the one next to it.

"Hey! You found panties!" Naruto exclaimed gleefully. "What is it with you and underwear?"

Sasuke slammed the drawer shut, glaring darkly. He moved away to look through her desk.

"But it might be in there!" Naruto protested. The blond reopened the drawer. "Ooh, a thong! I'm keeping this!"

Sasuke was getting his "too-much-Naruto" headache. He closed his eyes and massaged his temples.

"Hey, a lacy bra!"

"Dobe, could you _please_ try _focusing_?!" Sasuke snapped, fingers still on his temples.

He heard a poof, and turned around to find a very naked girl with blonde pigtails attempting to fasten the bra over her boobs.

"What the _hell_ are you doing??"

"Damn, it's too small!" complained Naruto in a very feminine voice.

Bringing Naruto was definitely a mistake, Sasuke decided. He shook his head in disgust and turned his back.

"Oh well. It's probably more your type, Sasuke," Naruto said with a smirk in his voice. He poofed back to a fully-clothed male.

Sasuke closed the jewelry box he had been looking through. He wasn't even listening to Naruto. In fact, he was flat-out ignoring the blond. Unfortunately he shouldn't have, because when Naruto tackled him from behind, his ninja-sense didn't even kick in.

"Unnph!" Sasuke grunted as he hit the ground. He twisted around to beat the snot out of Naruto when he realized that something felt..._weird_. Sasuke looked down at himself to see that somehow, someway, Naruto had managed to secure Sakura's bra around his very male chest.

"WHAT THE _FUCK_ IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

Naruto tilted his head and gave him a thumbs-up. "Yeah, you can definitely pull off that look."

Suddenly, Itachi was no longer at the top of Sasuke's hit-list.

* * *

I figured that as Naruto gets older, his prankster ways reach an all new level. And I think Sasuke's too emotionally-repressed to really counter it. So that was my interpretation of that. Really hope it worked...

I think this was the longest chapter I have ever written. Nine pages of single-space. Do you have any idea of how much I wish I could write like this for my Composition class?

Anyways, hope you enjoyed it! Reviews equal love!


	6. Friends support each other, right?

HOLY CRAP!! I can't believe this got over 100 reviews! THANK YOU!!! I'm so happy:cries tears of joy:

By the way, Happy Valentine's Day:throws chocolate and flowers:

**And if you haven't already, GO WATCH SHIPPUUDEN!! YOU'LL CREAM YOUR PANTS!!**

Read and Review no Jutsu!

* * *

**Who Says Konoha is Peaceful?**

**Chapter Six: Friends support each other, right? Right??**

* * *

Ten seconds.

That was Naruto's remaining lifespan: Three seconds so Sasuke could burn off that damn article of clothing, five to get out of Sakura's room so it wouldn't get trashed, and two for the actual murder. Ten seconds.

A look of horror spread across Naruto's face. "Oh SHIT!"

"Exactly," Sasuke sneered, lowering into a fighting stance.

Naruto blinked at him. "No, no – 'Oh shit!' as 'Oh shit, Sakura's home, and she's suspicious!'"

Sasuke hesitated. "_What?_ How would you know, dobe?"

"She killed my bunshin!" Naruto failed his arms for emphasis. Sure enough, just then they heard a door slam, soon followed by footsteps. "Oh yeah, she's definitely back! Crap! Let's get out of here!"

"...I'm still going to kill you later, you _do_ know that, right?"

The two hurried over to the window. Naruto had one leg out of it when Sasuke yanked him back inside.

"The hell was that for, teme?!" Naruto hissed. "You WANT to get caught?!"

Sasuke motioned with his hand. "Look, idiot! Her parents are right below us!"

So they were. Naruto looked from Sasuke, to Sakura's parents, to the bedroom door, and back to Sasuke again. The footsteps had reached the stairs.

"Hide," they said in unison.

Naruto dove under the bed. He quickly realized that Sakura's room was so tidy because she just shoved everything under said bed. There was barely enough room for him under it even though the bed itself was a good size. Naruto was certain his butt had just discovered some old shuriken...

Sasuke leapt over to the closet. He yanked it open...and let out an exasperated groan. There was no way in hell that he'd fit in there. The thing was one solid mass of scrolls, weapons, clothes, and ninja gear. There were no other decent hiding places, and genjutsu wouldn't work – Sakura was better at noticing genjutsu than Sasuke was at performing it. The raven cursed as he heard the footsteps drawing closer. There was only one option left...

Naruto had just finished removing the last sharp and pointy object from his behind when he was violently slammed right back into the pile of junk. Naruto yelped in protest and shoved at the offending body in retaliation. There was a mad scrabbling of arms and legs, and Naruto let out another yelp as stiff, bristly hair scraped past his face. Naruto realized that it was obviously Sasuke who had so rudely intruded upon his hiding place and was now crushing him against junk and the dusty floor.

"Teme! What's the big idea?! Get off, you're squishing me, you big—"

Sasuke had clapped a hand over Naruto's mouth. "Be quiet!" he hissed. "Mask your chakra!"

Naruto, quite taken by this indignity, retaliated in the only way that made sense to him.

He licked Sasuke's hand.

Sasuke jumped and let out a startled grunt as his head connected with the underside of Sakura's bed with a _thunk_. However, he didn't release his hold on the blond. In fact, his grip tightened, and he added nails. Not to be outdone, Naruto twisted his arm up and yanked hard on Sasuke's bangs in retaliation. Then he slapped his hand over the Uchiha's mouth as well. Sasuke growled but decided not to lick Naruto's hand in return. Who knows where that thing could've been?

The doorknob jiggled and both shinobi froze as Sakura entered her room. Sasuke's hand tightened even more over Naruto's mouth. Naruto watched Sakura's feet travel around the room. He desperately hoped that she'd leave soon. Having Sasuke squashing him wasn't exactly comfy; there were fingernails in his cheek, an elbow in his back and a bony hip stabbing his thigh. Not to mention Naruto could feel Sasuke's chest move against his back every time the guy took a breath. That was slightly...strange. Naruto distracted himself by making faces against the hand that was still stubbornly covering his mouth.

Eventually, Sakura stopped pacing and sat down at her desk. "Ugh, Naruto..." she muttered quietly. "What were you trying to pull? Guess I'd better write this down..."

Sasuke and Naruto's ears perked. Hopefully, that meant the diary was coming out. Both boys craned their necks in an attempt to see where she drew the diary from. Naruto scowled because Sasuke's bangs kept falling into his eyes. He couldn't exactly blow them out of the way, so he settled for head-butting the raven's chin. Sasuke responded by pinning that blond head down with said chin. Naruto growled softly from beneath the hand.

"_Kai_," she muttered, making a hand seal. A book entitled _Floral Arrangement for Beginners_ poofed into a familiar pink, sparkly book. Sasuke mentally slapped himself. Not five minutes ago, he had actually picked that book up and set it down!

_Dammit! Of _course _she'd hide her diary with a genjutsu! It's her specialty! Why didn't I think of that?_ Sasuke thought in irritation. _This entire mission was a waste of time!_

The scritch-scritch sound of a pen on paper began and continued for a few minutes. Eventually, Sakura sighed, set the pen down, and shut her diary. She made another hand seal, and it transformed back into the book about flowers. As if by a miracle, Sakura's mother then called her to help wash the dinner dishes. Sakura stood up, stuck the diary in a bookshelf, and left the room.

Both boys exhaled in relief. Sasuke waited until the footsteps had faded before removing his hand from Naruto's mouth. The Uchiha slid out from under the bed first, once again clambering over the blond in the process. He quickly swiped Sakura's diary off the bookshelf. Naruto emerged a few seconds later, shaking the dust out of his hair and clothes, his expression suggesting that he couldn't decide between a scowl or a triumphant grin. They looked out the window, and swiftly headed off after determining that the coast was clear.

* * *

"Well, that was fun," Naruto commented as he and Sasuke traveled back to the blond's apartment. "Although, it is kinda depressing that you can fit into Sakura's lingerie."

"Shut up, dobe," Sasuke grumped. "Don't give me more reasons to murder you."

Naruto wasn't listening. "By the way, you really need to eat more! I swear, your hips are so damn bony, I thought my leg was getting amputated! And couldn't you find your own hiding spot?! Why'd you hafta steal mine?! Y'know, I _enjoy_ getting mashed into the floor by Mr. There's-a-Stick-Constantly-Shoved-Up-My-Ass. 'Bout as much as I _enjoy_ getting stomach flu!"

Sasuke scoffed at Naruto's childish comment. They traveled back in relative silence, until Naruto decided to open his mouth again. With the way he had been silent – and the way he hesitated after opening his mouth – he had obviously been in deep thought.

"Ya know, Sasuke... It wouldn't bother me or anything... I wouldn't like hate you or stop talking to you or anything if you were...well...you know..." Naruto fidgeted, trying to think up a good euphemism for what he was trying to say.

Sasuke raised a curious eyebrow - Naruto leaving him alone sounded pretty good, actually. "What, dobe? If I was what?"

"Er...well..." More fidgeting. Naruto made several unintelligent noises before blurting, "Ifyoulikedguys."

"Wha—" Sasuke missed a step and nearly impaled himself on a fencepost. "_What_?!"

Naruto stopped running along a ledge and walked back to where Sasuke was picking himself off the ground. The blond looked more comfortable with himself now. "Well, I don't care. Your life, man. If it makes you happy—"

"We just went over this!" Sasuke exclaimed in disbelief. "I am _not_—"

Naruto put his hands up defensively. "Hey, hey, I said I don't care! They say that people can't help it and all, so..."

Sasuke slapped his hand over his forehead. "You are a _fucking_ IDIOT!"

"HEY!" Naruto burst out. "I'm bein' a good friend here! Show some appreciation, you bastard!"

"I already told you, dobe – _I do not like guys_!!" Sasuke ground out.

"But you said you didn't like girls!" Naruto protested.

"I don't like _either_!" Sasuke insisted.

Naruto crossed his arms. "Well you gotta like SOMETHING!!"

"Tch."

"Guess ya just like flyin' solo, eh?" Naruto waggled his eyebrows. "Actually, with your ego, I wouldn't be surprised if you made up a _bunshin _or two and--"

Sasuke socked him in the face.

* * *

Sakura had been enjoying a nice, quiet evening when the doorbell rang. Her mother answered it and called her down. Sakura prayed it wasn't another angry girl wanting to confirm another rumor. She walked downstairs to find...Naruto.

_Oh lovely_.

Naruto smiled that annoying huge grin of his. "Sakura-chan! How are ya?"

Sakura fidgeted. She desperately hoped that he hadn't heard some of the more..._extreme_ rumors. He looked pretty oblivious, but then again, this is _Naruto_ we're talking about. "H-Hello, Naruto. It's rather late, is something wrong?"

Naruto scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "Well, uh, girls like shopping, right? You wanna come to the mall with me? I need to get the Teme a present, and I have no idea what he likes."

Sakura raised an eyebrow to mask her shock. _You have _got_ to be _kidding_ me! The nerve! Is he rubbing it in my face?! Tcha, I'll KILL him!_

Naruto mistook her reaction. "Heh, okay, yeah, you're right; this _is_ Sasuke we're talking about. Bastard doesn't like anything. How about just something that he won't throw at me or try to kill me with later? I can settle for that. C'mon, I'm clueless!"

Sakura sighed. She supposed she should at least attempt to be supportive; after all, she didn't want to destroy her friendship with Naruto. "What's the occasion? It's not his birthday or anything."

"Well...uh..." Clone-Naruto hesitated, unsure of what to say. "It's, um, a secret! Yeah, a secret!"

"Naruto—" Sakura started, then paused. Maybe it was better to be ignorant. "Never mind. Fine, I'll come with you. It's what friends do, right?"

"Yeah!" Clone-Naruto grinned hugely, rather surprised that the plan was actually working.

* * *

Five minutes later, the two arrived at the strip of shops and little boutiques that made up Konoha's shopping center. Sakura lead Naruto around, pointing out items that, per the blond's request, could not be used as projectile weapons. Naruto turned down everything. This rather irritated Sakura, but to Clone-Naruto, it was a necessary delaying tactic.

"Why not just get him more shuriken or kunai? For a shinobi, it's probably the most practical gift," Sakura finally suggested. "I think he'd appreciate a practical gift the most."

"Probably," Clone-Naruto nodded. "But they're expensive. I can barely afford enough for myself."

They continued to wander around. Naruto turned down item after item, and Sakura was starting to get impatient.

"OH WOULD YOU JUST PICK SOMETHING?!" Sakura exploded violently. Several small children ran away in terror.

"Um...uh..." Naruto said intelligently.

"Fine, whatever. I'm going home," Sakura grumped.

"No, wait!!" Naruto jumped in front of her, blocking her exit. Sakura looked at him uncertainly.

"What, Naruto?" Sakura demanded, crossing her arms. "What's going on? It's like you're stalling or something!! Like you don't want me to leave!"

Naruto tried to mask his surprise. "Sa-Sakura-chan?!

Sakura rubbed her temples. "You know, if you just wanted to hang out, you should've just _said_ so!

_Well, that works_, thought Clone-Naruto. "Okay. Wanna go get some ramen?"

A vein popped on Sakura's head. _All that, and he just wanted to hang out?? The nerve, making me stress and waste time!_ She socked him as a punishment.

...And was very, very surprised when the blond _poofed_ out of existence in a cloud of smoke.

"A...A _bunshin_?!" Sakura gaped. "Why the hell did he send a _bunshin_?!" As Sakura slowly walked home by herself, her initial confusion gave way to anger. But she was too emotionally worn-out to stay angry for long; by the time she got home, she was just depressed again.

* * *

Later that evening, as she was washing dinner dishes, Sakura couldn't stop thinking about how the whole Sasuke-Naruto fiasco would affect their teamwork on missions and the like. The rosette sighed for the umpteenth time that evening. _As if it wasn't complicated enough as it was..._

In her opinion, whoever decided on the two males to one female ratio deserved to be dragged out into the street and shuriken'd – and then, for good measure, thrown in a dirt hole. As a female, Sakura enjoyed showers and sanitation, both of which were unattainable in most field settings. It was not fun being sweaty and smelly around one's crush. Sleeping arrangements were often awkward and consisted of squeezing into caves or small, discreet tents. Naruto snored and kept flopping from side to side (rather annoying), Kakashi-sensei got cuddly (rather disturbing), and Sasuke was a kicker (rather amusing, but also rather painful).

However, that's not to say having male teammates was all bad. During the colder nights, the three teens would all spoon together, and Kakashi-sensei would actually encourage it as a way to keep warm (Kakashi, however, never joined them; he summoned his nin-dogs curl around him). Sakura enjoyed it for the obvious reason that Sasuke was included (much to the raven's dismay), but also because Naruto, with all his extra chakra, was actually quite warm to sleep against.

Plus, being around males was quite amusing. They had no idea how to react to anything feminine. Especially Sasuke. Since he refused to ask for any type of aid, he developed the annoying habit of going through Sakura's medicine bag himself to find wound ointment or bandages or items of that nature. Once, Sasuke had stumbled across a bizarre piece of equipment. He had spent nearly an hour trying to figure out its purpose, eventually deciding that it was some sort of obscure weapon – Naruto had suggested for torture. Sasuke spent another hour debating whether or not it was worth sacrificing some pride to ask Sakura what it actually _did_. After Sakura had explained that it was, in fact, an eyelash curler, he refused to speak to either Naruto or Sakura for the next week.

Sakura set a bowl aside to dry and allowed herself to smile at the memory.

The smile slipped off her face as she turned her mind towards the present. How would an inter-teammate relationship pan out? Of course, ninjas need to put emotions on hiatus while on duty, but hormones were powerful things. What if they got..._touchy_? Sakura didn't even _want_ to think about that.

They might be too focused on protecting the other during battles; Sakura feared that she'd be forgotten and left out. It was dangerous to not hold all teammates as equals. Not to mention, Sakura was horribly jealous – and with good reason. She thoroughly believed that the boy of her dreams had pushed her aside for not only another _male_, but _Naruto_. Sasuke and Naruto were supposed to _hate_ each other! Sakura feared that her envy of Naruto would cause even more tension – a deadly thing among ninja comrades. Basically, Team 7 would not be able to function properly.

Sakura was brought out of her thoughts when a plate slipped from her hands to shatter on the tiled floor. She looked down at the gleaming ceramic pieces. It wasn't fair...

Sakura made a mental vow that, whatever the case, she would not allow this new drama to hurt her friendship with Naruto and Sasuke. She decided that she would to do whatever it took to keep Team 7 together as a functional ninja squad.

After all, friends and comrades _are_ supposed to be supportive of each other, right?

* * *

(Sorry. Got kinda intellectual at the end there:dies: )

Well, hoped you like it! By the way, I re-did a bit from the earlier chapters. It's nothing major, I just attempted to fix some OOC moments and bad grammar. Just lettin' ya know.


	7. The Bomb

Sorry for the long-ass wait, guys. I was just at a point in my life with end-of-the-year coursework that if I so much as _looked_ at another word document, my laptop was gonna go through the window. Hooray, college. But now it's over and I can get back to the things that matter in life. Like fanfiction. And sleeping till noon. (Which sadly will not be happening too often, as I now have a job. Pooey.)

College _was_ amazing fun though. I mean, how many 18-year-olds can honestly say they've performed major surgery?? (Pre-vet equals pure win!)

And then this chapter was sorta floating around in beta-limbo land for like three weeks... (My beta... Where did you gooooo?) So it's un-beta'd for the moment. If there are any glaring errors/plot holes/awkwardness...please let me know!

A'ight, now onto the chapter! Please bear with me; I sorta forgot where the plot was supposed to be heading sooo...yeah. Like for example, I completely forgot about that festival I mentioned like 4 or so chapters ago... –sweatdrop–

...And thus ends prolly the largest A/N in the history of A/Ns. Read and Review no Jutsu!

(By the way...to any guys who may be reading this...I apologize in advance...)

* * *

**Who Says Konoha is Peaceful?**

**Chapter Seven: The Bomb**

* * *

Naruto plopped down on his atrociously orange and lumpy couch, a bowl of ramen clutched in his hands. Sasuke had absolutely refused to sit on the thing, opting instead to stand opposite of the blond, against the wall, arms crossed and glaring daggers at nothing in particular.

"Hey bastard, you want some ramen?" Naruto tried. He received the infamous Uchiha Look of Death.

Apparently Sasuke was still sore over the "flying solo" comment.

"Oh come on! I said I was sorry!" Naruto whined between mouthfuls of the hot steamy goodness that was his ramen.

Sasuke scoffed. "You did not."

"Yay!" Naruto cheered. "You're talkin' to me again!"

Sasuke moved his glare over to Naruto's cheery face. "I hope you understand that I'm an avenger and will therefore have revenge on you? Oh such revenge I shall have..."

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah, whatever, I'd expect nothing less. Now get over here, we've got a diary to read!"

A moment of hesitation. Then in one swift movement, Sasuke strode over, seized Naruto's ramen and flipped the bowl into the blond's lap.

"EEEEYYAHHH!"

Naruto then proceeded to hop around squealing _Hot! Hot!_ for several minutes before settling down and glaring back at Sasuke. "Okay, you feel better now, bastard?"

Sasuke grinned smugly and sat on the ugly orange couch. "Yes, much."

Five minutes later, after Naruto had shed his ramen-ified clothes for a simple net shirt and froggy pajama bottoms (a combination that made Sasuke raise a disapproving eyebrow), the two shinobi were seated side-by-side, leafing through Sakura's diary. This of course was accompanied by a quick argument that involved shoving, brief biting, improper use of chopsticks, and a houseplant that doubled as a projectile weapon – all due to the fact that Naruto wanted to continue from where they left off and Sasuke just wanted to find out the latest gossip involving his fangirls' (and fanboys') sudden transformation. Naruto won only because the latter three attacks were uniquely his and Sasuke wasn't quite sure how to react to someone trying to shove chopsticks up his nose. How Sakura's diary made it through the battle unharmed was a miracle.

_Dear Diary,_

_Man, today sucked! We had a mission yesterday, and I was totally horrible! I'm so mad! How can I stop myself from freezing up?? I mean, I'm training way more than usual, but really it's all just medical stuff. I need to actually find some time to get out to the practice grounds. Think Tsunade will let me have a day off? Maybe I'll just ask her when she's drunk, that seems to work. With all that drinking and gambling and snoozing during important meetings, sometimes I wonder why she's Hokage. Oh well, at least I can take some bizarre comfort knowing that if-slash-when Naruto becomes Hokage, he won't show up to work drunk off his ass. _

Naruto cheered. Sasuke told him to shut up and that showing up to work sober was not that great of an accomplishment. Naruto scowled at him and turned the page.

_Dear Diary,_

_Have you SEEN Hinata?! Her boobs are like five times bigger than mine now! Dammit, it's not fair!! I must find out what they feed that girl over in the Hyuuga household! But knowing them, it's probably something hugely expensive that I couldn't afford anyways. It's not fair! How do I get my boobs to grow bigger?! I mean, I'm just as flat-chested as...as...as like Sasuke or something! _

_...That's really depressing, huh?_

Sasuke shifted uncomfortably.

"Did they really? Damn, I gotta start paying more attention to Hinata!" Naruto exclaimed excitedly. "Hey Sasuke, you notice anything about Hinata's—"

"_No_."

Naruto suddenly grinned evilly and started to open his mouth—

"If you say what you're thinking of saying, I swear I'll cut out your larynx," Sasuke threatened. He even drew a kunai to prove that he wasn't kidding.

Naruto shut his mouth. He then grinned again and made a mental note to study Hinata next time he saw her. He also made a mental note to most definitely get Sasuke another bra for his next birthday, and then escape to Suna where Gaara would hopefully save him from any subsequent assassination attempts.

_Dear Diary,_

_ARGH! Today was absolutely atrocious!! I started my period right in the middle of training!! Could the timing possibly be ANY WORSE?! ... Actually, it did get worse... You know what the absolute WORSE, WORSE part was? Sasuke-kun definitely saw the spot, and definitely started freaking out! He thought I'd like gotten injured and kept trying to help me! Though as an afterthought, that's kinda sweet, huh? But still! It was embarrassing as hell! And ooooh I hurt so much! It feels like someone taking a rusty ice pick to my guts! And we're out of tampons too; I gotta run to the store._

_I need chocolate. And a punching bag. And some sort of sappy movie. And some popcorn. And more chocolate._

Naruto had pretty much just skimmed over the reading about halfway through the second complete sentence. Sasuke was apparently a glutton for punishment, as he had read the whole entry and was now sitting with his back to Naruto and his face in his hands.

"Um...Sasuke?" Naruto piped up in a small voice. "You okay?"

Sasuke produced a rather odd noise and offered no further answer. Naruto continued to stare at Sasuke for a moment and then smirked. "Y'know, I've decided that seeing you all embarrassed and stuff is probably one of the most amusing things on the planet. We should do this more often!" Naruto commented helpfully.

_How dare that blond fool be so impervious to...to such..._ Sasuke sent Naruto another death glare.

Naruto laughed and shrugged. "I'm immune to those, just so ya know."

"Go to hell, dumbass," Sasuke responded. "We should have just started on the last page like I said. I'm sick of reading the babblings of some moody girl. I've wasted enough time here as it is."

Naruto translated that as Sasuke basically saying that he was too socially-retarded to handle a bit of girl-talk and even though Sakura was a dear teammate, the Uchiha kept making himself an easy target for teasing – and we _certainly_ cannot have that now can we? _Oh well. I suppose he's suffered enough for one day_, Naruto reconciled to himself.

"Fine, fine teme. No need to get your panties in a bunch," Naruto waved one hand nonchalantly. He relinquished the diary and Sasuke promptly beat him over the head with it.

"OW! BASTARD!"

"Dobe," Sasuke responded per tradition. He flipped through Sakura's diary until he got to the most recent entries. Finally, there would be some light shed on the whole fangirl/fanboy mess!

_Dear Diary,_

_I'm glad to have you back, but I have some horrible news_... _(Btw, just what the hell were you doing in that bush??) _

_It seems as though my chance with Sasuke-kun is basically not going to happen. It's not fair! I tried so hard and did so much to attract his attention! I mean, I guess I'm sorta happy that he's found someone to love, but why couldn't it be me?? Am I too weak? I guess he's the type who could only accept someone that can fight at his level... Though I guess the fact that I am FEMALE doesn't help either, huh? Well, I suppose I'm getting ahead of myself. You're prolly wondering just what happened, aren't you, Diary? Well, I'm going out to the café with Ino, so I'll tell you when I get back..._

"Damn, this woman just blathers on forever," Sasuke grumped.

"Hey, hey! No dissin' Sakura-chan!" Naruto interjected.

"And what the hell does she mean "found someone to love"?? What shit is that?" Sasuke snarled at the pink book.

"Well, you know how those fangirls of yours are. One of 'em prolly started a rumor or something," Naruto suggested. Sasuke huffed in indignation and turned the page.

_Okay Diary, I'm back now. Well, to make a long, painful story short, Ino and I compared notes and have discovered that Sasuke-kun and Naruto are...well, INVOLVED _(the word was underlined several times). _I mean, it's not bad enough that Sasuke-kun is gay, he chose NARUTO of all people! Now BOTH of my teammates are off-limits! If it was just Sasuke-kun, I could've settled with Naruto! He's a great guy too! But NOOOOOO!! Dammit, this hurts. I'm always left behind! I wish it wasn't true... And now, to make things even worse, some girls overheard me and Ino talking, and now the news has spread like whoa. And I think Naruto is flaunting it!! Earlier, he asked me to come with him to get Sasuke-kun a present. It's not his birthday or anything! That was mean, Naruto...even though I doubt you did it on purpose since you aren't a bastard like that. And Sasuke, I thought you wanted to revive your clan?? I'm sorry, were you ABSENT on the day of sex ed where we learned that babies are NOT created through buttsex??_

_Augh, I need a drink. A strong drink. I don't even drink, and I need a drink._

Naruto wasn't quite sure he'd read that correctly. A quick glace at Sasuke – whose expression was one of gaping, wide-eyed horror – confirmed that yes, yes he _had_ read that correctly.

Sasuke slowly looked up from the harbinger of doom that was disguised as a cute, sparkly-pink notebook. He and Naruto stared at each other, sharing the same stunned speechlessness for a long moment. Then they realized how close together they were sitting.

"_Get away!!"_

"GYAAH!!"

A flurry of movement. Naruto toppled over the armrest as Sasuke violently shoved him away and practically flew off the couch.

"So I was right, you _do_ like guys?!" Naruto exclaimed, holding the now-forming lump on his head.

"WHAT?! I do _not_!" Sasuke objected.

"But Sakura-chan said so!" Naruto whined. "Sakura-chan isn't a liar!"

Sasuke made an irate and exasperated movement with his arm. "Dumbass, in case you missed it, she said _you_ were gay too! And that we...we're..."

Naruto waved his hand nonchalantly. "Oh, she must've been just kidding. Ooh, hey! Are you..._blushing_??"

"NO!!"

"I think you aaaaare!"

"I am _not_!!

"Yeah, you're all flushed-lookin'!" Naruto waggled his eyebrows.

"I'm..._flushed_...with _anger_!" Sasuke insisted.

"Mmmm, yeah I totally believe you," Naruto nodded unconvincingly.

Next thing Naruto knew, he was across the room, on the ground. The blond vaguely registered a door slamming shut as he nursed the _new _lump on his head from where he had been reacquainted with the hardwood floor. After the stars cleared, Naruto picked himself up and looked in the direction of the noise.

The bathroom. Sasuke had locked himself...in the bathroom. In any other situation, that would be hilarious. But seeing as it arose from the realization that probably half of Konoha thought by now that they were gay together, the entertainment value was totally obliterated. No, Naruto was not gay, and he didn't _really_ think Sasuke was either; he was only teasing the Uchiha because comedy was his defense mechanism. The fact that Sakura thought he and Sasuke were bum-buddies was definitely _not_ a Good Thing. How the heck was he supposed to win the woman's heart if she thought he was with the _guy_ SHE liked??

Well, at least now he knew what had gotten into the girls from earlier.

Naruto returned to the couch. He sat there awkwardly for a few moments until a small creak got his attention. The blond turned to see his bathroom door opened a crack and a sliver of Sasuke's face peeking through.

"...Go get me a rope."

Naruto blinked. "Er... Why?"

"I need to hang myself."

"Oh, quit being a drama queen. It's not _that_ bad, is it?" Naruto drawled. He might have taken Sasuke more seriously, had the Uchiha not usually threaten to hang himself like every other week.

Sasuke looked Naruto up and down. "Yes. Yes, it is _that_ _bad_. Rope?"

Naruto just rolled his eyes. He took a bizarre comfort in knowing that as long as Itachi was still around, Sasuke wouldn't try anything. "Oh, get out here, Emo-Boy; we need to figure out what to do about this."

Reluctantly, and equipped with a good number of death-glares, Sasuke exited the bathroom and moved to stand over in the corner furthest from Naruto. There was silence for a few uncomfortable moments as the two shinobi looked pointedly at away from each other.

"Sooo..."

"Hn."

"We're in deep shit, aren't we?"

"You do realize what this means, right?" Sasuke said with a scowl. It meant that they needed to plan a way out of this. And the only reason Sasuke was allowing Naruto to participate in the planning – Sasuke refused to use the word "help" – was because the prankster was famous for getting himself out of deep shit. Sasuke figured he could take advantage of that. Now all they needed to do was think up the plan itself. Preferably a way that did not significantly harm Sasuke's dignity or reputation – meaning that doing anything like randomly kissing a woman to prove he was not gay was out of the question.

Naruto nodded seriously. It meant that he needed to use all his prankster luck and skills to come up with a plan. No, not a plan to spontaneously cause everyone to realize his heterosexuality – people were people and would believe what they wanted to, regardless of what he might try to say or do and rumors wore out eventually on their own – but a plan to bring Sasuke's arrogance down a few notches while not burying _himself_ deeper. Basically, he needed a plan to turn a seemingly upsetting situation (that he realistically could not do anything about), into entertainment until the gossipers got tired and moved onto new fodder.

"Yes. I know exactly what this means," Naruto stated.

Sasuke would get over it.

(Hopefully.)

* * *

Now, I wanna know how many of you want to see actual pairings in this fict. Realistically, I probably won't be having anything solid, but I'm curious! So now you get to vote!!

A. NaruSaku

B. SasuNaru/NaruSasu (I get a lot of people requesting this)

C. Other (please specify!)

D. I will personally quit your fict if you make it real shonen-ai/yaoi.

E. Any real romance will ruin this!

F. Nothing real, but lots more suggestive-ness!

You can choose like 2. I don't really care lol, this is all for fun.


	8. Romantically Disinclined

Hello and holy shit, everybody! The results of that pairings/romance poll are officially IN! (I got like three times my usual amount of reviews for the last chapter. Hmm, maybe I should to polls more often... :looks thoughtful:)

And the winner is!

**B. SasuNaru/NaruSasu **with **41**votes! ...Daaaamn, I knew a lot of you wanted it, but I didn't know there were _that many _of you! XD

To put it in perspective, there were 86 votes and second place was **F. Nothing real, but lots more suggestive-ness **with...13. So... Yeah, that was pretty overwhelming.

But to the 10 of you who voted **D. I will personally quit your fict if you make it real shonen-ai/yaoi**, you don't have to worry, necessarily. After all, this poll was just to give me an idea of what you readers want to see.

My second Beta (and a very good friend of mine) gave me the following advice: "This is your story, write what YOU want to happen and everybody else can go fuck themselves." And while I do want to make the majority of you happy, if I don't write the way I feel things should go, then it's not gonna be any good because I'll be forcing it. I'll be keeping the poll results in mind, but do know that the 15-20 unsigned reviews that screamed "SASUNARU RULES! B!" will not weigh as heavily as the ones from those of you who left _actual reviews _(praise, critiques, etc).

In the end, you know what they say: Try to please everybody and ya end up pleasing nobody. I haven't decided how it's all gonna work out yet, but time will tell! (Though I can definitely say there will be no pairings with Hinata (aka NaruHina or SasuHina) because I am extremely disinterested in her. Um...Sorry...)

Read and Review no Jutsu!

* * *

**Who Says Konoha is Peaceful?**

**Chapter Eight: Romantically Disinclined**

* * *

_Tap, tap, tap..._

Sasuke cracked one eye open. It was Sunday morning, around seven o'clock. Sasuke rarely stayed in bed so late – even on days when he did not have group training he usually got up around six – but given the recent turn of events, he was seriously contemplating staying there for the rest of his life.

_Tap! Tap! Tap!_

Naruto was at the window; Sasuke could recognize the blond's chakra signature anywhere. Plus he was the only person imprudent enough to be outside his window at seven in the morning. Couldn't that idiot knock at the door like a NORMAL human being?? It was much easier to pretend you weren't home when he wasn't watching you from your window.

_TAP. TAP. TAP. _

"LEMME IN, DAMMIT!"

Sasuke gritted his teeth and burrowed further into his blankets. What was that guy doing here anyways?! After last night, this ought to be the _last_ place Naruto would want to show up at.

_TAP! TAP! TA-_KSSSSCHHHH!!!

_NARUTOOO!_ Sasuke screamed in his mind. His arms tightened around his face, but he refused to get up and acknowledge Naruto's presence.

"...Oops, sorry," Naruto shrugged, not really sounding sorry at all. He hopped inside, making sure to crunch extra-loudly on the broken glass now decorating Sasuke's bedroom floor, and plopped down on the Uchiha's bed. "...Oh come on, teme. You're gonna have to try harder than that."

"...What are you _doing_ here?! Go away!"

Naruto responded by poking his cheek repeatedly. "No way, Sasuke. What, you just gonna sit here and mope all day? Don't worry, I don't think anyone saw me."

Sasuke swatted at the offending hand. "Stop touching me! Go away!"

Naruto sighed and flopped over onto his back, propping his arms behind his head. Sasuke started to fidget, and ended up scooting away to the opposite edge of the bed. If this was part of Naruto's ploy to get him up...it was working.

"What do you want, dobe?"

Naruto rolled to his side and hung one arm over in front of Sasuke's face. "Your fanclub left me a present in my mailbox this morning."

Sasuke blinked and brought himself to focus on Naruto's hand. It looked...perfectly normal. Sasuke told Naruto so, and tried to push back the arm and reclaim his personal space. But Naruto held fast.

"Well, duh! It healed up already! But seriously, it hurt like a bitch!" Naruto whined.

Sasuke sighed and finally sat up. "What was it?" He asked as indifferently as possible.

"Exploding tags," Naruto answered nonchalantly.

Sasuke scowled. Of course, he knew about Naruto's past history with the villagers – this wasn't the first time people showed hostility to Naruto, and Naruto was quite sensitive to it. Not that he'd ever admit it, no; Naruto usually put on a smile and shook it off.

Sasuke hated that.

"What kind of loser ninja gets caught by such a low-level trap?"

...Not that he'd let onto it, of course. Sasuke had an image to keep up, after all.

"TEME!!" Naruto yelled, shoving him roughly. Then the blond crossed his arms and puffed out his cheeks, grumbling something about "heartless bastards."

"Clumsy idiot," Sasuke responded with a quirk of his lips. "So, did you smash my window just to tell me about your mailbox, or is there anything else?"

"Oh yeah, there is," Naruto jerked his thumb towards the window. "Sakura stopped by this morning and said Kakashi wants us to help decorate for that festival. It's gonna be pretty sweet! Gaara's coming tomorrowvand everything!" (Sasuke gave an unenthusiastic grumble. After all, he and Gaara weren't exactly close. In fact, the only reason they tolerated each other was because of Naruto.)

"What time?"

Naruto shrugged. "We're supposed to meet at the Academy at eight for instructions and materials, so we've got about forty-five minutes to kill. I'm gonna go get some breakfast, you wanna come?"

Breakfast with Naruto meant ramen and old milk. "No," Sasuke grunted, stepping onto the floor. "Now get out of my bedroom and make sure nobody sees you leave."

Naruto smirked. "What, suppose someone'll think we—"

"Don't finish that, just go," Sasuke interrupted with a scowl. He gestured towards the shattered glass on the floor. "But you're going to come back later to clean up that mess you made over there." Naruto let out a short laugh, clapped his friend on the shoulder, and was gone out the same way he came in.

-Later-

At a quarter before eight, Naruto moseyed into the Academy, his belly happy and full of ramen. He quickly spotted his teammates, Sakura in her bright, happy red and white, and Sasuke in his moody, melancholy black and blue. Naruto squealed out his usual greeting of "SAKURA-CHAAAAAN!" and plopped himself down between her and Sasuke on the bench-like seat. Not that they had left a seat for Naruto to plop down in, but that didn't stop him. He ended up sitting half on Sakura's lap and half on Sasuke's. Sakura shoved the blond away with an indignant yelp, while Sasuke hastily scooted out from under him.

"Naruto, don't be rude!"

"Don't touch me, clumsy idiot."

"Both my teammates hate me!" Naruto pretended to cry. Sakura rolled her eyes and smacked him, and Sasuke pretended to be pleased with himself.

Meanwhile, Ino had her eye on the two males of Team Seven. She wasn't going to waste any time mourning her unrequited love (though she would still jump at a chance to go out with Sasuke-kun). Since he was unavailable, Ino decided to settle for the next best thing:

She _definitely_ had to see Sasuke and Naruto kiss.

And because she figured that there was little to no chance of any true public displays of affection – this _was_ Sasuke we're dealing with – that just meant she'd have to..._orchestrate_ something. She had debated using her mind-controlling jutsu on Naruto (Sasuke would probably be able to counter it), but decided against it. She didn't trust herself enough for that; what if she got caught up in the moment and confessed her love in Naruto's body? That would really just screw things up even more. Luckily, there were a few other options. Ino cackled under her breath and could only hope that Iruka and the other teachers didn't show up before she put her plan into action...

* * *

"...You have _got_ to be kidding me," Shikamaru gawked, his eyebrows raised in disbelief.

"Pleeeeeease?" Ino gave him her best puppy-dog eyes.

"No way," the Chuunin shook his head. "It would be wrong of me to abuse my abilities in such a manner. I'm supposed to set an example for others, and my duties won't allow me to use my power in a way that harms my own comrades."

"It's just a kiss!" Ino tried to reason. "It's not like I'm asking you to break his arm or anything!"

Shikamaru stretched and shrugged. "Well, plus whatever happens to them will happen to me, and I'm not particularly interested in discovering what it feels like to make out with a guy."

Ino scowled at him. _Yeah, right_, she thought, _I knew it wasn't about ethics. Since when has Mr. Lazy-Ass cared about setting a good example? Well, time for Plan B..._

Ino stood up and strolled casually over to where Team Seven seated. She struck up a small conversation with Sakura while paying close attention to the other two. Naruto was sitting on the table, kicking his legs back and forth in his usual impatient manner. Sasuke had one arm propping his chin up, pointedly not facing his blond teammate. Well, that wouldn't work; the two needed to face each other!

"Hey Sasuke-kuuuun, how are you this morning?" Ino purred. Sakura gave her a questioning look. Naruto twisted around, wanting to see how the Uchiha responded. Sasuke gave a noncommittal grunt and got up to move elsewhere.

_Perfect!_

"Whoopsie!" Ino suddenly cried out, pretending to lose her balance. She threw her arm out and shoved Naruto as hard as she could at Sasuke.

Sasuke stepped sideways. Naruto crashed to the floor.

"OOW!" Naruto howled.

"Ahahah, sorry! Clumsy me!" Ino fake-laughed, rubbing the back of her head. _Damn, Plan B was a total failure!_

Both Sasuke and Sakura raised suspicious eyebrows. Naruto scowled and nursed the lump on his skull. Before any questions could be asked, there were several _poofs _and clouds of smoke, signaling the arrival of the teachers. Ino quickly scooted back to her teammates.

* * *

Half an hour later, after all the necessary supplies had been handed out, the ninja of Konoha took to the streets. Over the course of several hours, streamers and Chinese lanterns were strung up, colorful banners were stretched across the narrow streets, walls were painted and trash was disposed of. Everything was coming along beautifully.

Except, of course, for the sector that Naruto was responsible for painting.

"AHHHH SHIIIT!"

_Riiiiip KRSSSCH ba-LOOSH!_

Naruto had slipped on a patch of wet paint and grabbed a nearby banner in the hopes of steadying himself. Except the banner ripped, Naruto fell into some tables, and his bucket of paint followed close behind.

"Narutooooo!" screamed Sakura, who was hanging streamers nearby. "It's not even noon and you've already caused a catastrophe!"

Naruto heaved himself out of the rubble, scowling with indignity. "Well it's not like I MEANT to! Geez!"

Sakura sighed and shook her head. She was trying not to burst out laughing at the sight of her blond teammate, as he was completely covered in the off-white paint. "I think you've got more paint on you that you got on that wall!"

Naruto crossed his arms and huffed. "And I don't have any left! Great, what'm I supposed to do now??"

"Well, I guess you have to go get more paint," Sakura shrugged. "Better get going, huh?"

Naruto grumbled and stomped off to change and find more paint. After about a block, he wasn't leaving cream-colored footprints anymore (something that was driving the others nuts), but the viscous liquid was still wet and slowly oozed down his face and neck. Also, he was well aware of the snickers and giggles that seemed to be following him everywhere. Naruto hoped desperately that he wouldn't run into Sasuke before he got new clothes.

"Tch, you are such a useless klutz, dobe."

_Well, screw that,_ Naruto scowled. "Asshole."

"Dumbass."

"Scrawny bastard."

"Clumsy oaf."

"Ice queen."

"Fashion-disaster."

"Hey, at least _my_ hair doesn't look like a chicken's _ass_!"

_OH NO HE DIDN'T!! _Sasuke twitched and his lip lifted into a snarl. He was about to retaliate physically when he noticed...everyone else in the area was _watching_ them, with that _look_ in their eyes... Oh damn, some were even pointing and whispering!

"Get out of here, dobe," Sasuke said firmly.

He was blatantly ignored. "Hey, where can I get more paint?" Naruto asked.

Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "You don't need any more. Just go roll against the wall or something."

"Bastard!" Naruto made to shove Sasuke, but the Uchiha slid out of the way.

"I do not want to be seen in public with you," Sasuke hissed quietly, eyes darting to and from the people not-so-discreetly studying them.

"Why?" Naruto demanded in a hushed tone. "We're friends and I don't care if people I don't even know believe some stupid rumor! It shouldn't change anything between us!"

Sasuke stared at him. Why the sudden outburst? Sasuke knew friendship was particularly important to Naruto, but couldn't he understand the gravity of this situation? Sasuke had to uphold the village's expectations of him, for the sake of the Uchiha Clan's remaining honor.

"Some people have dignity, idiot. Go home and change."

Naruto scoffed. "Don't be embarrassed of me, teme. There are other things to worry about!"

Sasuke snorted and turned his back to Naruto so as to fasten a lantern to a cord. "Oh? Such as?"

"Oh...nevermind," Sasuke missed Naruto's ear-to-ear leer. The blond definitely wanted to get him back for all the teasing and etcetera. "See you around..._DEAR_."

_SMACK._

Sasuke's entire body jolted at the blow. He felt the lightning race down to his toes and up the back of his neck. His face immediately reddened as he whirled around, fully intent on tearing off his best friend's _fucking hands_.

But Naruto was already gone.

And so Sasuke was stuck, in a busy street for all to see...with a perfect white handprint...

...On his ass.

* * *

Well, I had wanted to make this chapter longer, but it just seemed like such a perfect place to end...

Hope you enjoyed! Lemme know what you think!

Oh, and here are the complete results of the voting poll, in winning order. I didn't put them in the first author's note because it was getting waaay too long.

**B. SasuNaru/NaruSasu - 41**

**F. Nothing real, but lots more suggestive-ness! - 13**

**C. Other **(suggested couples were SasuSaku, NaruHina, SasuHina, NejiTen, NejiGaara, LeeGaara, and others) **- 11**

**D. I will personally quit your fict if you make it real shonen-ai/yaoi. - 10**

**A. NaruSaku - 8**

**E. Any real romance will ruin this! - 3**


	9. You Aren't Helping Out One Bit!

OHMYGOODNESSLOOKHOWFASTIUPDATED!! -shock!-

Thanks for the reviews, everybody! Glad Sasuke's pain brings you pleasure! (Bunch of sadists, lol. Dammit, I love you guys!)

Erm...I totally didn't mean to offend anybody last chapter. I wasn't telling anyone to "fuck off," so I'm sorry if I came off that way. My point was that even though I gotta write what feels good to me, it's the stuff that entertains you guys and makes you laugh, that feels good to me. After all, if I just wanted to entertain _myself_, I'd keep it all in my head! I like to make people happy, but since it's impossible to make _everybody_ happy – I'd be a fool to even try it – I have to set my own course and follow it, you see? Though I don't exactly have that course set in stone yet, haha. It'd be much easier to decide on something if you people would start bribing me with fanart.

-shiftyeyes- Whaaaaat?

(Just kidding, just kidding)

Warning: Abuse of Ellipses and the Italics Font. :rolls eyes: Sorry, I like them! (For those of you not English-compositionally-inclined, ellipses are the "..." thingers)

Read and Review no Jutsu!

* * *

**Who Says Konoha is Peaceful?**

**Chapter Nine: You Aren't Helping Out One Bit!**

* * *

Sasuke was furious. He stalked through Konoha, snarling at anyone who dared to double-take or snort in laughter. He was painfully aware of the fact that not too long ago, Naruto in all his painted glory had ran down this same road – which meant that everyone who saw Naruto (and he was hard to miss) could put two and two together and easily reach the conclusion of how Sasuke had received that handprint on his backside. However, this particular street was also the fastest way to Naruto's apartment, and Sasuke _needed_ to beat the shit out of that kid as soon as possible. 

"Ah, hello Sasuke!"

Sasuke froze at the easily-recognizable casual voice. He whirled around to find...nobody. Sasuke blinked, scowled, turned to continue his bad temper...and ran smack into Kakashi.

"What do you want?" Sasuke growled at his sensei, stepping back to put acceptable distance between them.

"Keeping yourself entertained?" Kakashi's question was deceptively harmless. Sasuke didn't miss how the man's eye flicked down and back up, suggesting that Kakashi's words were not quite as innocent as they sounded.

Sasuke scowled at him, not particularly willing to grace him with an answer. The Jounin had to be up to something; he probably wanted to pry into the Uchiha's life and obtain what could be "juicy secrets" about him and Naruto. That pervert!

"_What_ do you _want_?" Sasuke repeated, a bit of an edge to his words.

Kakashi smiled pleasantly. "Ah, actually I'm looking for Naruto. He isn't at his post. Is there something going on?"

Sasuke huffed and averted his eyes. "_No_."

The pleasant smile molded into something dangerously gleeful. "Really? Are you sure?"

"_Yes_," came the snarl. "Is that all?" Sasuke didn't wait for an answer, but shoved past his sensei – easily only because Kakashi let him – and began to walk quickly down the street.

"Well, actually, there is _one_ thing we need discuss," Kakashi piped up after letting Sasuke get a few steps between them.

_SHIT_.

Sasuke ground his teeth together and prayed the Jounin hadn't seen his wince. _No doubt he's heard the latest rumor _(who hasn't?)_ and oh _shit_, he _knows_ it's torture, that sadist!_

"Now then," Kakashi had taken on his Father-Figure tone. "Sasuke, you have to keep your personal life separate from your duties as a shinobi. Complete your assigned mission first, and then you can go do whatever you'd like, okay?"

Sasuke blinked. He was _so sure_ that Kakashi was going to make some crack about him and Naruto... But Kakashi was just being Kakashi-sensei and reminding him about his responsibilities! Maybe the one-eyed man wasn't so bad after all! Sasuke wasn't happy that he had to postpone his revenge on Naruto, but he supposed things could've been worse—

"...Even though I'm happy you've matured emotionally – and I'm sure it's overwhelming for you, how new and exciting love can be – it's not acceptable to abandon a mission just to indulge in—"

Sasuke's jaw dropped in absolute horror. He tried and failed several times to produce speech, and settled for grabbing Kakashi by the elbow and dragging him into the nearest alley and away from the ENTIRE BLOCK that had just heard his words.

"Wha...What are you—Why... What do you think..._Why did you say that_?!" Sasuke finally manage to splutter.

"Maa, nothing to be ashamed of, Sasuke," Kakashi placated. "I think I'm even proud of you!"

The Uchiha placed his hand on his forehead as his mind reeled and tried to collect itself. "We are not..._together_!" Sasuke managed, after choking on that final word.

Kakashi's visible eyebrow practically shot off his face in genuine surprise. "Really?"

"Yes," Sasuke insisted, crossing his arms.

Kakashi tilted his head. "Why not?"

Sasuke stared at him in bewilderment. "W-what?"

Kakashi blinked as though just remembering something. "Oh, save that thought. It's about time for me get going to a meeting at the Academy and get some things together. Get back to work, Sasuke!" With a parting "Ja!" Kakashi flickered and vanished, leaving behind a very disturbed and slightly panicky Sasuke.

"_Why not?" What could he possible have meant by _that_?! Was it just Kakashi being Kakashi, or did he actually _mean_ it? _Sasuke could only wonder. _That does it, his name is OFF my list of allies!_

* * *

Kakashi sauntered into the Ninja Academy, nonchalant as always. "Yo, Iruka! What's up?" 

Iruka, who had been grading exams, looked up at Kakashi in surprise. "Um...Hello. What are you doing here?"

"Oh, wasn't there a meeting this morning?"

Iruka blinked at him. "The only meeting we had scheduled for today was the one a few hours ago, to pass out materials to decorate for the upcoming festival."

Kakashi reclined unceremoniously on a desk. "Yeah, that one."

A pause.

"...YOU'RE LATE!" Iruka yelled in his Classroom-Alpha voice. "THAT'S BEEN OVER FOR HOURS!"

"...Oh, is that so? Well, guess I'll get going then," Kakashi then sauntered out of the Ninja Academy, whistling offhandedly. Iruka slapped his forehead and sighed in exasperation.

Kakashi was in a considerably good mood. His talk with Sasuke had gone considerably well. He had pretty much expected Sasuke to go into a hissing, spitting, emotionally-unstable frenzy. (Well, that might be a slight exaggeration, but the point remains.) Surprisingly, Kakashi's meeting with Sasuke had gone smoother than his previous meeting with Sakura. He had visited her home earlier that morning to inform her about the decoration, but seeing as she was still upset from the day before, that had turned into a very stressful experience. (Really, who wanted to deal with a depressed, confused, hormonal teenage girl with superhuman strength??) It was how the Jounin had learned about the entire Naruto-Sasuke mess...

-Flashback-

It was 7:00am. Kakashi sat outside Sakura's window, coincidentally on the same branch his other two students had used earlier. (He was supposed to have gotten there around six, but...well, who's surprised?) He hopped to the kunoichi's windowsill and rapped lightly at the glass. Half a minute later, Sakura had opened the window and allowed her sensei inside.

"You could've just used the door," Sakura grumbled, yawning and combing back her hair with her fingers.

"Didn't want to wake the whole household, now," Kakashi replied easily. "...Sakura?"

Sakura had dozed off on him, and started abruptly. "Huh?"

"Still sleepy, eh?" Kakashi said with a grin. Inwardly, however, he was a bit troubled; a diligent student such as Sakura never fell asleep on him unless there was something wrong that had kept her up all night.

Sakura chuckled nervously. "Heheh, sorry, I didn't really get any sleep last night."

"Maa, sorry to hear that—"

Kakashi was interrupted when Sakura suddenly burst forth and buried her head in the crook of his shoulder. "Oh Kakashi-sensei, it's so horrible!" the rosette cried out, squeezing him tightly.

"Uh..." Kakashi looked blankly down at her, totally not used to such physical contact with his students. In the back of his mind, he was praying that her parents did not hear her outburst and come running, as this situation would be rather difficult to explain.

Sakura suddenly seemed to realize that Kakashi was not exactly comfortable being hugged by young female students. She quickly disentangled herself from him. "Er...S-sorry..."

"Don't, um, worry about it," Kakashi replied awkwardly. "Anyways, I came to tell you—"

"Aren't you gonna ask me what's wrong?"

"Beg pardon?"

Sakura gave him The Look. Any male who has ever had a girlfriend – or even just a girl friend – knows about The Look: it is given when the male has shown insensitivity and foretells great suffering (regardless of age, status, or strength) if such insensitivity is not corrected, and _quickly_. The closer the female is to her monthly cycle, the less time the male has to amend his words (or lack thereof). The Look is truly a terrifying thing to receive.

"Oh..." Kakashi blinked. "Ah, what's...wrong?"

"Well, for one thing my teammates are...involved," Sakura sniffled. Upon receiving a raised eyebrow from Kakashi, she gritted her teeth and elaborated, "..._Romantically_."

"Oh!" Kakashi seemed surprised, but not particularly convinced. "And might I inquire as to how you arrived at this conclusion?"

"I _saw_ it," Sakura said miserably. "And Ino caught them reading Karma Sutra."

"Is that so?" Kakashi tapped the side of his jaw thoughtfully. He leaned forward, obviously eager to hear more gossip. "Did you see them making out??"

"Sensei!!" Sakura shrieked, shoving him. "This hurts! It's really devastating for me!"

"Oh, oh, I understand," Kakashi amended. He patted her on the head. "There, there."

She stared at him. "There, there?! You call THAT comforting?! What are you, somebody's grandmother?!"

Kakashi shrugged helplessly.

"This is serious!" Sakura cried, burying her head in her hands. "Now I'm gonna get left even further behind! Our teamwork is gonna fall apart! Sensei, why am I so invisible to them?"

"Maa, I'm sure it's not like that, Sakura," Kakashi tried. He received a tearful glare in return. Well, hell if he knew how to comfort distraught women. In _Icha Icha Paradise_, distraught women were comforted through techniques that were not exactly appropriate in this situation.

But Sakura was still glaring at him, so he decided to try again. "Sakura, Naruto and Sasuke were both lonely, wounded souls, and their friendship is a precious bond for each of them. But you've been with them through thick and thin as well, so I don't believe that it's possible for you to be forgotten by those who have been starved for companionship."

Sakura looked up at her teacher in awe. _I didn't know Kakashi-sensei could speak such eloquent words!_

Kakashi gave himself a mental pat on the back. _Hey, that sounded pretty cool for something I just pulled out of my ass! _

-End Flashback-

Alright, two down, one to go, Kakashi nodded to himself. Now, time to track down that hyperactive blond whirlwind...

* * *

Naruto had actually _not_ gone back to his apartment as Sasuke had expected. No, he wasn't that stupid; Naruto knew the Uchiha wanted his blood and would be looking for him there. Instead, Naruto shucked off his messed-up jacket and dunked his head in a fountain to rinse off the worst of the paint. Then he snagged some new paint from Shikamaru (who had dozed off and didn't notice) and doubled back around to resume working. 

_Hahah! That should throw the bastard off my tracks for a bit!_ Naruto cackled triumphantly, now painting in just a mesh top and his orange pants.

Sakura was nailing a poster to the side of a building when she caught a shimmer from the corner of her eye. She turned to see that it was coming from Naruto's necklace. She didn't know too much about his necklace; Tsunade gave it to him, but it usually stayed unseen beneath his jacket. However, now that the jacket was off, she could see that he kept it carefully polished; the turquoise-blue stone gleamed in the sun and looked as precious as it probably was.

"Nice necklace, Naruto," she said.

"Eh, this?" Naruto touched it fondly with his forefinger. He was pleasantly surprised to receive a compliment from his long-time love crush, especially after the recent turn of events. It had been pretty awkward between them earlier. "Thanks! I won a bet with the old Hag, and she gave it to me!"

Sakura giggled. "Yup, losing bets, that sounds like Tsunade-sama! But you always wear it in under your clothes – you should keep it on the outside so people can see it!"

Naruto frowned and scratched his head. "I tried that at first. Ero-Sennin said it looked ridiculous to wear a necklace on the outside of my jacket, so I stopped."

"Naruto, it's the middle of summer! You don't need a jacket! Are you a polar bear? Don't you get hot?" Sakura laughed and shook her head. The jacket – though Naruto's trademark – was okay, but impractical. And anyways, she liked the mesh shirt better. It was much more pleasing to the eyes than that bright orange "I'M HERE HIT ME!" sign.

Naruto grinned and shrugged. "Not really!" He loved his orange jacket. It felt weird to be without for a long period of time. Suddenly, a memory flickered into Naruto's head...

"_I mean, even NARUTO has a better 6-pack..."_

That's right! Sakura wrote in her diary that she likes six-packs! _Hey, I__have a six-pack! And Jiraya told me that mesh is a great way to play up your muscles, and I'm wearing a mesh shirt now, sooo...VICTORY! _ Naruto mentally cheered and made a vow to walk around without the orange jacket for the next few days or so while the weather was nice.

Meanwhile, Sasuke (who had not gone back to work as Kakashi ordered after all) was stomping around Naruto's apartment, royally pissed off at the blond for not being there. Sasuke's own apartment was halfway across Konoha, and he did not fancy any more running around the village with his wardrobe in its current state. Sasuke contemplated swiping some of Naruto's clothing, but then decided that wearing the blond's handprint was less of a social suicide than wearing his pants.

Besides, when he went through all of Naruto's drawers, Sasuke could only find clothes in orange or some insane psychedelic pattern. Sasuke cursed and angrily kicked a basket of clean but unfolded laundry.

Wait.

Laundry.

If there were clean clothes, then there must be a place to clean the clothes _in_! All Sasuke had to do was find that place, and wash his shorts! Problem solved! Naruto's apartment was too small to personally have one, but there was probably a laundry room in the hall or something. Sasuke smirked at his own genius and set off to find a washing machine.

* * *

(If Sasuke does find a laundry machine, what will he do while his shorts are being washed?? XDD) 

Hrm... Are my sentences too long? I mean, not like run-ons, but just with too many words?? I'unno, sometimes it feels like they are, and it bothers me but I keep doing it! –shakes fist at keyboard–

Oh well. Anyways, I hope y'all enjoyed!

(Oh, and who's keeping up with the recent manga chapters?! Holy effing batman, Tobi!?)


	10. Caught with Your Pants Down

Note: Some of you might not know what "jammers" are; I don't know if the term is widely used outside of like swim teams and pools and stuff like that. Basically, jammers are a type of men's swimsuit. They are long like your standard swim trunks, but tight like Speedos. (My friends and I affectionately christened them, "All the eye candy, minus the mental scarring.")

(Some of you are probably wondering how this is relevant, but others might have some idea and are probably laughing their asses off at the mental image. I know I did.)

Read and Review no Jutsu!

* * *

**Who Says Konoha is Peaceful?**

**Chapter Ten: Caught with Your Pants Down**

* * *

Sasuke found the laundry room relatively quickly. It was two floors below Naruto's room, and on the opposite end of the hall. Sasuke wrinkled his nose. The room was dingy and smelled like mildew – the apartment building was rather low class – but it would have to suffice. Now, as he stood in front of the washing machine, Sasuke realized he had another problem to worry about:

He'd have to either stand there in his underwear for the forty minutes it took to wash and dry his shorts and hope nobody walked by, or make a mad dash back to Naruto's room, pray he didn't run into any passers-by, and wait it out there.

Well, Sasuke _is_ pretty quick on his feet, so he decided to go with the "Wait in Naruto's room" option. Nodding to himself in confirmation, Sasuke made sure the coast was clear, and quickly stripped off his shorts, threw them in the wash, popped in a few coins to get it going, and took off.

The Uchiha flew up the two flights of stairs, down the dimly-lit corridor, and skidded to a halt in front of Naruto's door. He grabbed the doorknob, twisted it—

_OH HELL NO!!_

...Locked.

_Locked?! How in the hell did THAT happen?!_ Sasuke screamed in his head. Naruto's door did not lock on its own, and Sasuke sure as hell couldn't and wouldn't have locked it behind himself! Unbeknownst to him, Naruto had finished his painting (with the help of half a dozen clones, of course) and dashed back home to intercept the Uchiha and mess around with his head a little.

Sasuke yanked at the knob again, a bit of a frantic edge to his movements. After several more fruitless attempts at opening the door, Sasuke pounded viciously on it several times, just to vent his frustration...and hey, if he just so happened to break the door down, well, Naruto deserved it anyways.

"Who iiiiiis it?" came a disgustingly sweet sing-song voice from inside the apartment.

Sasuke's head jerked up. _Naruto came back?_ "Let me in, dead-last!"

A pause, then Sasuke heard footsteps coming his way. A smirk stretched his lips as he imagined beating the living tar out of Naruto...he could almost taste the blond's blood...

But Naruto didn't open the door. Instead, there was a muffled _thmp_ that suggested he was now leaning against it. "What'll you give me for letting you in, teme?"

"...A concussion!"

"Hey, that's a sucky prize!" Naruto faux-whined. "How about something else?"

A string of curse words was his answer.

"Buy me ramen?"

"Dead dobes don't eat ramen," Sasuke threatened. Naruto had the nerve to laugh at him. Sasuke snarled at the closed door and was about to yell some more obscenities when he suddenly heard footsteps, several pairs of them. And judging by the accompanying giggles, it was a group of girls. Coming up the stairs.

Naruto's room was almost directly across from the stairwell.

_That does it! No more messing around!_ Sasuke thought in a panic, taking a firm stance and flying through some hand seals.

_CHI-CHI-CHI-CHI_ KRRRNSCHH!! WHAM!

Naruto let out a yell and barely managed to dodge the door as it exploded inwards. Wood shrapnel flew through the air and the concussion knocked the blond on his butt. As Naruto picked himself up off the ground, he could make out the flickering electric glow of Sasuke's signature attack through the smoke. Sasuke himself probably would have looked a whole lot more menacing if he weren't wearing only a shirt and short, skin-tight underpants...but that was beside the point.

"Y-YOU CHIDORI'D MY DOOR!?" Naruto shrieked. "You crazy bitch, my landlady's gonna KILL me!!"

Sasuke stepped carefully over the debris, teeth bared in a dangerous sneer. "She can't if _I_ kill you first!" He pushed what was left of the mutilated door to close behind him, but the sorry thing just bounced off the frame and swung sadly there on one hinge. Oh well; the girls on the stairs had probably fled at the sound of the Chidori anyways.

Sasuke lunged. Naruto met him halfway, and the two tumbled to the floor in a jumble of fists, kicks, and curses. Sasuke was aiming for restraining joint locks and strikes to the face and gut, while Naruto fought dirtier, pulling hair, biting, and trying for crotch-shots. They each gave and received several good hits – within minutes, Naruto was sporting a bloody lip and bruised ribs, while Sasuke was covered in claw marks and was bleeding from the shoulder where the feral blond had bit down and refused to let go.

However, they were so evenly matched that after almost a half-hour of rolling around on the floor and beating the living tar out of each other, neither male had managed to trump the other. It was only after Naruto cracked his head on the corner of a table, disorienting himself, that Sasuke was able to finally to pin him down, using his knees to trap the blond's arms at his sides.

Naruto wriggled and cursed as the stars cleared from his skull. He lifted his head to glare at Sasuke, who looked quite smug straddled there on his stomach. But Naruto could tell the Uchiha was tired. Sasuke was breathing heavily – they both were – and had to prop one arm across Naruto's chest to steady himself. Naruto was just as exhausted and felt that he probably didn't look any better. They were both sweating; plus the exertion, it was a hot day and Naruto didn't have air conditioning.

Naruto looked up to meet Sasuke's eyes and laughed dryly. "Wow."

Sasuke could feel the abdomen muscles contracting against his bare thighs with that laugh. After that strange, foreign sensation had subsided, Sasuke raised an eyebrow at his blond rival.

"Oh nothing, really...I'm just getting a view most girls would kill for," Naruto explained with a leer, letting his eyes flick down and back up. Indeed, he was: Sasuke's underwear resembled short, cloth jammers (his defense was that it allowed for better movement and fit well under his usual fighting gear; Naruto never pretended to buy it), and the fact that he was sitting on top of Naruto with his legs spread to either side... Yes, about ninety-five percent of Konoha's female population would indeed kill to be in such close proximity to that much Uchiha pride and glory.

Sasuke flushed immediately. He hoped the room was dark enough that Naruto didn't catch it. "...Sh-shut up. You're gonna have to try harder than that if you want to beat me," he glowered.

"You mean like this?" In one swift move, Naruto seized the distracted Uchiha firmly by the back of his thighs (or perhaps a bit higher than that, given the position in which his arms were pinned), and made a very inappropriate gesticulation with his hips. The movement threw off Sasuke's balance, causing him to topple forwards and freeing Naruto's arms. Naruto caught Sasuke's wrists, completed the roll that his thrust had begun, and effectively reversed their previous position. However, where Sasuke had kept his hands free to punch with, Naruto used his own to pin Sasuke's above his head.

Sasuke gawked up at the blond's face, which now bore a huge, shit-eating grin. He twisted in an attempt to free himself, but to no avail. Now, if Naruto had been using any of the conventional, proven-to-work shinobi holds, he would've been thrown off in an instant. But here, Naruto's methods were so unorthodox that Sasuke was unable to counter the thighs bracing his hips, or the hands that were holding his wrists firmly and creating a rather compromising position. And Naruto had a good fifteen pounds on the slender Uchiha, which didn't do anything to help the matter.

"Naruto..." Sasuke growled uneasily, clenching and unclenching his restrained fists. He'd never felt so exposed in his entire life.

Naruto could tell that his comrade was both unnerved and frustrated that his attempts to free himself were failing. The blond laughed, though it was a bit strained since he was still out of breath. He leaned forward, causing Sasuke to squirm uncomfortably as Tsunade's necklace grazed his chest. "Our fighting styles differ 'cause I've got no shame!"

"I noticed," Sasuke ground out through his teeth.

Naruto retreated a bit. "Truce?"

Sasuke shrugged as nonchalantly as he could from his position on the floor. "For the moment."

Naruto grinned widely at him again. He sat back on his heels, freeing Sasuke's hands. The Uchiha dumped Naruto to the floor with a roll of the hips and sat up. The blond snickered and flopped over to sprawl on his back next to his broody friend.

Naruto surveyed the damage to his apartment from that upside-down viewpoint. Busted door, several knocked-over potted plants, scrolls and clothing strewn everywhere (the latter from when they rolled over the hamper and flattened it), and a hole in the wall from a poorly-aimed kick...

"Wow, you seriously annihilated my apartment," he commented wryly.

Sasuke scoffed. "You contributed to it as well."

"We must have one twisted definition of friendship if all we ever do when we hang out is beat the snot out of each other, huh?" Naruto mused with a laugh. "Love sparring, but maybe we should try, like, partying or going to the cinema or something, y'know, like _normal_ best friends do."

Sasuke gave him an incredulous look, as if the blond had gone insane.

"Hey, hey, what's that look for?? The partying part or the best-friends part?"

"...Both," Sasuke muttered.

"Okay, okay, yeah I know you aren't the party-type," Naruto allowed with a shrug. "But I meant the best-friend part, bastard."

"Hn. Rival," Sasuke corrected. "Best _rival_."

"Best teammate?" Naruto offered playfully.

"Best enemy," Sasuke countered, just to be difficult. Naruto caught the way his lips quirked slightly, signaling his amusement with their game.

"Fine, fine, asshole," Naruto grinned and offered up his fist. "Best everything?"

Sasuke blinked, then had to turn his face away to hide his pleasure. He slowly reached over to touch his own fist to Naruto's.

"...Whatever, dobe."

Naruto, unlike the Uchiha, didn't attempt to hide his glee. He was grinning ear to ear. "Great! Now go put some pants on!"

Sasuke used his still-closed fist to whap him smartly on the head. Naruto just laughed as a disgruntled Sasuke stood up and brushed himself off. "I'm going to check the laundry. Lock me out again, and I swear I'll remove body parts that you might be fond of."

Naruto gulped and crossed his legs. "You, uh, wanna borrow some shorts or something for the trip down?" he offered in an attempt to butter-up his best friend-enemy.

Sasuke narrowed his eyes.

"Hey, hey, not ALL my stuff is orange!" Naruto exclaimed defensively. "I've got a pair of black shorts you can have for a bit!"

"Oh?" Sasuke didn't remember seeing anything black when he was digging through the blond's stuff earlier.

"Yeah! They're a bit small, but your hips are scrawnier than mine anyways." Naruto scuttled to his bedroom and rooted around under the bed. Half a minute later, he did indeed produce a pair of normal, plain black shorts. In fact, as Sasuke took a closer look, they seemed rather...familiar...

"Naruto..."

"Huh?"

"...What in the name of nine hells are you doing with _my_ clothes?!"

Naruto's eyebrows lifted. "Oh, they're yours? Well, that explains why I couldn't remember buying them...And why they don't fit..."

Sasuke stared at him. "You mean to tell me that you have no idea how you came to acquire these?"

Naruto could only shrug. Sasuke scoffed irritably, hastily pulling on the shorts and stomping down the stairs to the laundry room.

* * *

"Seriously though, teme," Naruto said about ten minutes later, prodding at his apartment door. "You freaking _murdered_ this thing!"

"Payback for my window," Sasuke replied easily, leaning against the wall and now fully-clothed. (Quite honestly, Naruto was surprised he came back.)

"Dude, my landlady already hates me," the blond griped. "She never really liked me, but after all those mailboxes exploded this morning – no thanks to your psycho fan club – I'm walkin' a thin line here! She threatened to kick me out!"

That caught Sasuke's attention. "Oh really?"

"Yeah!" Naruto proclaimed hotly. "So you'd better buy me a new door if ya don't want me campin' out on your porch for the rest of my life!"

"Hn, that certainly would be troublesome," Sasuke agreed with a snort. "We'll talk after you replace my window."

"You jerk! I can't afford one of those prissy, designer windows!"

Sasuke crossed his arms. "Tch, now not only will my room be drafty, but I'll hear you snoring all night long from the deck," he sighed mockingly.

"HEY!"

* * *

_Later and Elsewhere..._

"Okay, quiet, people! Quiet!" Ino shouted, banging her palm several times against the desk she stood in front of in order to be heard over a couple dozen chattering girls. After yelling for a few more minutes, the blonde kunoichi managed to earn everyone's attention.

"Okay, ladies! First order of business!" Ino slapped a sheet of paper decorated with happy rainbows, glitter, and script font up onto the blackboard. "By popular vote, the "Sasuke is SexyFanclub" has officially been renamed the "Passionate Boy-Love Fanclub." Since Konoha's Most Eligible Bachelor is unfortunately, yet beautifully in love with Konoha's Blinding Foxy Prankster, it is our duty to promote and drool over such passion to ensure the happiness of all!"

The girls burst into cheers, whistles, and cat-calls. Sakura just rolled her eyes. _Can that girl sound any cornier?!_

"So! First we need some eye-candy!" Ino declared. More wild cheering. "Therefore, I propose a challenge! The first young lady to obtain a picture of Sasuke and Naruto engaged in some sort of romantic exchange shall receive a prize!"

"What kind of prize?!" Several young women cried out.

Before Ino could reply that she hadn't thought of any yet, a tall, pretty brunette stood up and thrust her fist into the air.

"One month's worth of free, all-you-can eat ramen at my father's ramen stand!" Ichiraku Amane shouted. "If you bring me a picture of a kiss!"

"Oooooooh..."

"THREE MONTHS if there's tongue!"

"OOOOOOH!!"

Ino cackled as she was suddenly struck with an idea. The lightbulb lighting up above her head was almost tangible...

* * *

Well, I don't think it's the best thing I've ever written, but I'm trying to be more consistent with my updates, so here it is anyways. Un-beta'd, so any constructive crit is welcome!

Lol and I definitely almost named the PBLF the "Tender Boy-Love between Two Emotionally-Scarred Shinobi Fanclub," but I definitely kept feeling the urge to puke out my fingers whenever I tried to type it. –rolls eyes– HOW CHEESY, IT BUUUUURNS!! D:

I mean, come on..."Tender"?! I don't think that adjective is appropriate for two guys who can't go five minutes without trying to break each other's teeth.

Oh well, guess that's what happens when I attempt to write fanfiction while listening to PotC techno remixes at a time when most sane people are sleeping.


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